Gerald D'Cunha

  “All bad behaviour is really a request for love, attention or validation.” Kimberly Giles   W hat is 'Be real', really means? To me, it means 'Be human'. Which means, enough of playing ‘God’… This place called ‘Earth’ is a real world, and not a ‘Paradise’. People are ‘real’ here and not angels. So, ‘Be real’ means, be able to deal with people around you realistically. This shows the way I deal with two kinds of people around me… The first kind includes those who are empathetic, and who listen to me without judging… advise me with a genuine concern and not with a sense of manipulation. They make me open up, express my fears, anxieties, sorrows as well as joys freely; and, in the process, they help me feel good about myself. Yes, this validation is very crucial for me to feel ‘real’ – a human. Unless I am able to do it with genuine people around me, I will suffer inside… feel deprived of love, care and concern. So, this is ‘good validation’. On the oth...

“The day I understood everything, was the day I stopped trying to figure everything out. The day I knew peace, was the day I let everything go.” – C. JoyBell C. B eing kind and compassionate to myself is the most precious gift I can ever give to myself. When I am broken, lonely and in turmoil, I realize this truth more than I ever do… The inner conflict arising out of trying to ‘figure out’ everything, trying to find an answer for every question, trying to control every event in life… yes, this conflict can be self-destroying. I, often, realize this truth only after going through the entire trip and after experiencing the resulting emotions… Painful and isolating emotions they are! I need not ‘figure out’ everything that happens in my life… I need not find an answer for every question that looms large before me… And, above all, I need not –   rather, cannot – control every event that unfolds in my life. And, this realization – this truth – ...

Pic.: Chetna Shetty O ne day, a student came to the Zen Master, Bankei, looking very distressed. “Master, I am burdened with this question,” the student said to the Master, “I have an uncontrollable temper.” “Oh, that’s a very strange thing to have,” Bankei said with a surprised look, “Show me your temper... I will help you.” “But, Master, I can not show it to you like that,” the student explained to the Master, “You see, it just comes up, all unexpectedly.” “My dear young-man, if you can not show it to me, now, you do not have it now,” said the Master, “And, if you do not have it now, it is not yours.” The student was confused, “Master, but, it comes, quite often.” “Comes from where? You did not have it when you were born... Your parents did not give it to you,” reasoned Bankei, “So, why are you distressed about it?” The student became silent. “If it is not mine, why should I worry about it?” he wondered, as the weight began to fall off his head....

Pic.: Neerja Panchal A line keeps playing in my heart repeatedly today: “Hey, i f I knew I would hurt you, I wouldn’t.” And, the more I hear that, the more I get convinced, that when I hurt someone, I am doing it in my ignorance. Please, please, please believe me: I am not justifying my ‘act’, here! So, what Jesus said from His cross as he was dying in pain was so true: “Father, forgive them; for, they do not know what they are doing.” If Jesus’ tormentors ‘knew’ what they were doing, they would not have done that… would not have humiliated, tortured and hanged Him the way they did. The greatest pain in life is the pain of not being healed of the deep wounds caused by our ‘perceived’ tormentors… This pain comes from our inability to find enough grace in our hearts to ‘understand’ that our tormentor has inflicted the pain in us in his ignorance. And, because we aren’t able to arrive at this deep understanding...

Pic.: Neetu Sharma Sachdeva I insist that none of my students remains absent whenever I start a new chapter. “You will find it very difficult to build it afterwards,” I remind them, repeatedly, “Please don’t miss the basics.” Well, I, always, convey that in a very, very honest, firm and gentle way. I have, always, believed that appealing to the hearts is more effective than appealing to the heads. When hearts change, heads do, too. So, eight out of ten understand the significance of my words and they don’t miss the basics. They try their level best not to get dragged away by their peers’ or others’ priorities. Yes, the appeal to heart works. And, what about the remaining two? Am I compelled to use ‘force’ with them? Yes, they are still casual… still do not understand the value of my words. So, what works with them? I have tried force and failed! Our ego doesn’t let us drop our sense of control. We feel helpless – impotent –...

  Pic.: Fr. Reginald Pinto The worst thing one can do when someone comes with a complaint is: argue. There is trouble ahead, beware! No matter how nasty the complainant is, muster all the patience in your heart and listen… even if it means plugging both your ears with some hard cotton! But, listen to him… Give him the impression that he is being heard, respected… Not being ignored, neglected… taken for granted. I just spent some thirty minutes listening to a certain complaint from a gentleman. He started on a composed note and I handled his complaint keeping my cool intact. But, as the discussion proceeded, the gentleman became quite vocal and kept saying the same thing over and over… I could feel my patience waning… and, I found myself arguing with him, on and off, during our discussion. But, the moment I tried to argue, I could feel things working against me… I quickly changed my track, and with all my sincerity, I told the gentleman ...

      In life, another person’s problems are, always, another person’s problems! To understand other peoples’ problems, we have to place ourselves in their situations. We have to empathize with them. In our daily life, most of our conflicts arise due to this lack of empathy… our inability to place ourselves in others’ situations… We only wish others to understand our situations… We only wish others to empathize with us. “Seek first to understand; then to be understood.” In his path-breaking book, ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, Stephen R. Covey has placed empathy as the fifth important habit for effective living. According to the author, this habit is the key for good communication, and, therefore, the remedy for our daily conflicts arising out of misunderstandings. All our reactions come from lack of empathy. Period.   Our impatience is rampant at our own homes… with our own people. And, it is so because that’s where...