“SULTAN BANNE KE LIYAI… GARDAN OR IRADAY DONO MAZBOOT HONAY CHAHEYAI”

A week ago, a working mother called me up from her office. “Sir, this is regarding my son who is pursuing Marine Engineering. His Captain (trainer) has given a report saying that he (son) needs to build his self-confidence, interpersonal and communication skills. Can you help him?”

The next day, the mother and son appeared in my office. Son had come directly from his institute and looked smart in this white sailor’s uniform.  We discussed the issue for over 40 minutes. I could quickly gather this: the mother had been over protective and over anxious all through the years. She had been taking decisions for her son for every little thing. The young man, as I expected, kept a little quiet in the start. But, encouraged by my simple and straight approach, he began to open up. The speech, initially, was just a mumble… I helped him with it… Soon, he was speaking clearly with his jaws widely open, slow and controlled…

The speech wasn’t the problem… English fluency wasn’t the problem… The love for his professional field wasn’t the problem… There wasn’t any financial issue at home or traumatic experience of the past… The only problem seemed to be too much of concern from mother’s end. It took a little time for me to recognize this… She had her own past baggage and she operated from that space… She wanted her son not to go through some of the problems she had faced in her family… She wanted him to succeed and succeed big time, fast… She wanted him to be  a ‘perfect’ young man… She monitored all his activities - eating, sleeping, dressing, playing, studying almost everything…

Some fifteen minutes into our discussion, the son narrated to me his plight… “Sir, I am not complaining about my mother. But, I must tell you this. She must treat me like an adult and not like a child… I know my responsibilities and duties… I am preparing myself to go into the seas… and, she is worried all the time whenever I come home late from the institute or from the playground. The other day, I left my phone at home and went to play cricket after coming home from the institute… She was calling from her office and my phone was at home… In that little time span, she called all my friends, neighbors and even our Captain! Once I came home I saw so many missed calls… My friends, neighbors and Captain called me later to check what had happened… Sir, what is this?”

Yes, what is this?

I looked at the mother… And, she knew what was that!

“Sultan Banne Ke Liyai… Gardan Or Iraday Dono Mazboot Honay Chaheyai.” Remember this dialogue from ‘Padmavat’? Alauddin Khilji, who says this, knows what he means. He is a monster, alright… His intentions – ‘Iraday’ – are mean, alright… But, he is clear as to what he wants to achieve…  His confidence and strength may sound too outplaced; but, he knows his strength… how strong his neck is! So, he declares, “To become a Sultan, your intentions and neck – yes, they both need to be strong”!

“Ma’am, you want your son to be a great sailor… Have a strong heart. Trust him!” I advised the mother.

Today, I told this story to my eleventh standard students in the class. My class had overstretched by some twenty minutes… I saw a message from a student’s father, “Sir, is Samir* still in class?” I delayed the response. Then, I received a couple of calls; and, finally, I spoke to the father…

“Sir, is Samir, still in class?” the father asked, again.

“Yes sir, I am going to wind up in few minutes,” I said, “Any problem?”

“He was not keeping well yesterday. So, I was a little concerned,” the father explained.

The father was in his office. Son, who had a ‘bad cold’ yesterday,  was  a seventeen-year-old young man…. The house was barely five minutes away from my class… and, still, this anxiety! Still, the parents want to make a strong, confident man out of their son!

Yesterday, there was one more episode. This time the young man was a S.Y. B.Com student, who commuted every day to one of the top Commerce colleges in town. The mother stood outside my class, almost in hiding, and signaled me to come out. “Ma’am, Karan* is there in the class,” I said assuming she had come to enquire whether her son had attended or bunked.

“No sir, I haven’t come to check his attendance,” the mother said.

“Then?” I asked.

“Sir, we have found out that Karan has started smoking!” the mother broke the news. “We have put him on some medicines… but, I want to make sure he doesn’t smoke when he is away from home.”

“Only smoking or anything serious than that?” I was curious… Obviously wanting to know if they found out about any substance abuse.

“No sir, only smoking,” the mother clarified, “But, we don’t want him to get into ‘bad habits’, you see.”

I did not want to give a long lecture to this mother, and, that too, outside the class. “Ma’am, where all will you go like this to find out… He goes to Churchgate by crowded trains every day… He goes to the Gym and and goes out with his friends everywhere… Are you ready to spy him wherever he goes?”

“I know I can’t… But, I am a lot worried sir,” the mother confessed.

“I can understand that ma’am,” I empathized with the mother, “We will talk about it separately later.”

While going she said, “Sir, can you please send me a message when you finish with the lecture… I will be standing outside the gate to keep a check on him!”

I felt like yelling at the mother… But, then, that was a ‘reality’. And, I knew: the one who argued with the reality, was a ‘fool’!

So, I said, “Okay ma’am.”

I haven’t, yet, spoken to the father of my eleventh-standard student or the mother of my S.Y. B.Com student. But, I have spoken to both my students, in my own way… I have spoken to my sailor student, too. To all of them, I have tried to sensitize, saying this… “You guys won’t be able to change your parents and their thinking… They have all brought into their parenthood their own childhood…. There is a lot to be done from their end, too. As young adults, what you need to do is to empathize with them… understand where their anxiety comes from… give them constant assurance – a sincere one – that you are old enough to take charge of your affairs. You can help them trust you. You can build that strength to live as confident individuals in this world.”

Life is like an ocean and living is like sailing this ocean. We may not be able to control the winds… but, we can adjust the sails, always!

* Names changed

GERELAD D’CUNHA

Pic.: Pixabay.com