THEY NEED SUN, NOT TOO MUCH SHADE

     



“And stand together yet not too near together:

For, the pillars of the temple stand apart

And the oak tree and the cypress grow

not in each other’s company.”

Kahlil Gibran in ‘The Prophet’


In his remarkable book, ‘The Prophet’, Kahlil Gibran’s famous lines might have been in response to the request – “Master, say something about Marriage”… Yes, it might have been used to emphasize on the need for ‘space’ in marital relationships… yet, in a larger context, ‘space’ is a universal thirst in every kind of relationship…

You see, humans cannot grow in shade… They get suffocated, and die!

In our summer programme on Personality Development, we, always, hold the Workshop on ‘Self-esteem’ first. The reason: a healthy self-esteem is the foundation for the healthy development of one’s personality…

During the Workshop on ‘Self-esteem’, the facilitator (Swami Brahmavidananda Saraswati) helps the participants to reflect on the major parental messages that impact self-esteem. Participants realize how, on the one side, the Nurturing and Structuring messages are helpful in building a healthy self-esteem, and how, on the other side, the Critical and Smothering messages do the opposite job. No one is surprised while reflecting on the  Critical messages… These messages  dampen the human spirit… It’s obvious. They crush one’s self-esteem… No doubt about it. But, what is, often, surprising for the participants is when they realize what damage the Smothering messages do for one’s self-esteem…

Smothering is showing excessive love… showing unnecessarily excess care… Not letting the other person think and act for himself/herself… It’s being overprotective… constantly sending the message ‘Take care’… ‘Be careful’… ‘You may fall’… ‘You may lose your way’… etc.

Sounds familiar?

When one is constantly being smothered – yes, pampered with love and care – one’s self-esteem gets crushed, just as the excessive criticism does. The difference is this: While the criticism does the damage directly, the smothering does it indirectly… Yes, deceptively. It undercuts one’s self-esteem… eats it up within!




Rohit and Reshma* are twins. They are my eleventh-standard students. A couple of days ago, as I was about to step out of my house around 7.30 in the morning, I received a call from Reshma. She said, “Sir, Rohit has high fever; so, we can’t attend the class, today.”

“Reshma, but, you can attend,” I said hurriedly.

“How can I, Sir?”, Reshma said…

“What?” I was not able to swallow what I was hearing…

“Sir, I cannot come alone… Mummy won’t allow,” she explained meekly…

I was getting late, and I was getting angry… I blasted, “You guys live just across the road (literally), and you guys have joined a college in Bandra (They live near my classes in Chembur)… and, you, young lady, are saying, that you cannot step out of the house alone… Now listen: I need to see you in the class at 8.” I ended the conversation…

Well, on my way, I was not feeling good about the entire conversation… “Should I have empathized with these kids and smothered further, saying “Ok sweethearts… I understand”? … “Would my blasting dampen their self-esteem even more?”…

Anyway, at 8 sharp, I saw both, Rohit (the sick!) and Reshma, in my class… I said nothing. But, once the class was over, I spent another twenty minutes holding a mini workshop on ‘Self-esteem’…

There was another young boy, Vineet*, who had difficulty in very, very basic calculations – like 50 minus 15 is how much? Believe me, the boy is unable to tell, and I am teaching him Profit & Loss A/c and Balance Sheet of organizations!

You may console yourself saying, “I am a slow learner”… Fair enough. But, out there in the real world, when you commute in an auto rickshaw or a BEST bus with a note of Rs. 50 and the fare is Rs. 23 or Rs.12, you better don’t present yourself as a ‘slow learner’… Period!

Hello, your self-confidence has been slowly, steadily and surely shunted along your growth… And, who has done that?



The most crucial leg of the stool of Self-confidence is ‘Self-responsibility’… And, to allow it to stand strong, the young ones must be allowed to experience that crucial sunshine called ‘space’…

They need Sun… Not too much shade…

 

*Names changed



GERALD D’CUNHA

 

Pic’s.: Pixabay/www.flickr.com

Video: World Archery

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