TO GIVE LIGHT, A CANDLE HAS TO BURN

 

“The conflict between the need to belong to a group and the need to be seen as unique and individual

are the dominant struggle of adolescence.”

Jeanne Eliam

 

Whenever someone tells me, that the struggle and the challenges, which today’s adolescents have to face, are far graver than the ones faced by the earlier generations – yes, whenever someone tells me that, I reflect on my own adolescence and ask: Did I find my own struggles and challenges (of adolescence) less daunting than my son found his?

The delicate, turbulent transition between puberty and adulthood is adolescence. Roughly, it’s the phase of a teenager’s life. Even though, for some, it may start early and last longer, no man or woman can escape this transition…

I went though mine; my parents and forefathers went through theirs… and, our children and their children will have to go through theirs…

Yes, some describe it as the ‘terrible time’… Lonely time… Confusing time… Time of ‘shutting the door’… the time of rebellion!

The most difficult and lonely period of my life had  been my adolescence. I could not understand whether or not what was going on inside my body and mind was ‘normal’ or ‘abnormal’. So, I started internalizing it as “I am alone in this ‘suffering’”. The inferiority complex – what we call today as ‘social anxiety’ – had come to overwhelm me... with all its associated symptoms, such as endless comparison with kids around me, self-doubt, self-criticism, feelings of guilt and shame, envy and inadequacies etc. Yes, a hundred symptoms that show up to make the transition period of adolescence as disturbing and lonesome…

And, through this very lonesome period, I had begun to discover myself… and understand the role each of those overwhelming feelings played in my life… I had begun to ‘transmute’ those feelings into something sublime… I had begun to get hold of myself… assert and be northbound… I had begun to find my purpose.

Yes, all this ‘transformation’ had come in me, thanks to this transition phase called ‘adolescence’… The destiny had designed for me to spend the rest of life – all my adult life – dealing with adolescents, the teenagers…

Do I see myself in them? Do I sense their confusion, shame, guilt, loneliness? Do I feel their anger? Do I hear the loud banging of the door? Do I empathize with them when I see their silent ‘suffering’ or open rebellion?

Yes Sir, I do… and I know, it’s going to pass… Invariably, helping them become strong, kind and purposeful adults… the way it had done for me…

Well, won’t some kids  be ‘lost’?

Yes, some may be ‘lost’. But, I am an incorrigible optimist and I choose to see things quite philosophically and conclude this way: In life, the best way to find oneself is by losing oneself…

As Dr. Stephen Covey says in the beginning of his remarkable book, ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ – an aircraft is off its course for more than ninety percent of its journey depending on the weather conditions… but, the Captain keeps bringing the aircraft on track and, finally, lands at its destination. Our life is such… We all keep realigning ourselves through all the turbulence along our journey and, finally, land smoothly at the desired destination…

Dr. Covey’s book concludes with an amazing line – “Life is all about coming home!”

A week ago, a friend of mine, who lives in the UK, the mother of two adolescent girls, had messaged me, “Please watch ‘Adolescence’ on Netflix. But, be warned: It may disturb you.”

And, two days ago, I watched it alongside my wife and 33-year-old son… We watched all four parts in one go… It was 1.30 in the night when the film had ended…

Were we all disturbed?

Yes, for a good reason…

Were we all choked many times during the watch?

Yes, for a good reason…

As parents, did my wife and I, too, confess how the parents of the adolescent in the film confessed to each other in the end: “We should have done better”?

What about our son – was he saying the same thing in his mind?

The film had brought us to silence…

That’s enough, I think…

I firmly believe, that this desert called ‘adolescence’ is where most of us get lost … only to find ourselves…

“You do not have to suffer to be a poet; adolescence is enough of suffering for anyone.”  John Ciardi must’ve said this to drive home the point, that it’s a good suffering, unavoidable… a man-making process…

You see, we cannot expect a candle to give light… without burning!

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pic's.: 1. movieplayer.it  2. pixabay

Video: Netflix