Gerald D'Cunha

  “A stark sense of isolation encloses anyone who looks outward for validation.” Gina Barreca T he need for other people’s approval is an extremely strong need, in almost all of us… Whether we admit it or not, it is. To a certain degree, acceptance of this reality helps us to live in peace with our inner selves. Living in denial is a huge strain. “I do not need any one’s approval”… “I do not need your validation”… Well, we, often, make these statements and they make us appear quite macho. But, I think, beneath that macho veneer hides our deep human need for approval, appreciation and validation from others. So, getting in touch with this need – and being able to gauge how much it helps us or how much it hurts us – is part of growing-up process. After reading my last Blog – ‘Counting the Footwear Outside My Door’ – my cousin Jennifer wrote this: “It’s like we are always seeking validation from others – validation, that we exist and are of value. While, intrinsically, becau...

“The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.” - Eleanor Roosevelt  B havin has just become a Commerce graduate and is busy preparing for his CAT exam. (The entrance test for IIMs). A while ago, he called up. “Sir, I am a fresh Commerce graduate and I am preparing for CAT,” he said, “But, I have a terrible stage-fear. The thought of standing before an audience cripples me with anxiety and whenever I attempt to speak, I go blank!” As this was my own problem when I was Bhavin’s age, and, as I knew what it did to my own self-confidence, and, above all, as I knew how I went about overcoming my problem, I spent the next ten minutes trying to calm down a bit of Bhavin’s anxiety about stage fear. I encouraged him to join our upcoming 10-sessions programme, which he was very keen to do. I also asked him to pick some of our motivational books. “Bhavin, You do not have to wait for the course to start,” I explained to him, “You start righ...

Pic.: Nishtha Narryani “Every tomorrow has two handles... We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith .” Henry Ward Beecher T wo days ago, I received a call from Rama* . I had taught her, some thirty-two years ago, when she was a twelfth-standard student. I hadn’t met her or heard about her ever since. The call Rama gave me was relating to her young daughter, Prachi*. Rama sounded very concerned about her young-one. “Sir, my daughter is a very creative and brave girl. But, when it comes social skills and interview-facing skills, she has a big problem,” the mother said, “and this fear and hurt of being rejected has affected her a lot and she seems depressed.” A teacher and some parents had suggested my name to Rama.  And, when Rama learnt about it, she was keen to meet me to discuss the issue. Last morning, Rama had brought her young daughter to my office. Prachi, who had just concluded her...

Pic.: Sherry Haridas   O ne of the major worries for many young-ones today is their inability to speak in English. What is surprising is that this worry has gripped not only those youngsters who come from vernacular-medium schools, but also hundreds of them who come from English-medium schools. “Sir, I can’t speak English,” they invariably cry, “How can I learn to speak English?” I give them my own example. I tell them, that if they have enough desire, determination and persistence, they can overcome their problem, just the way I did. Though my example helps them to feel good, they, invariably, end up reacting: “But, sir...” Yes, I hear them say: “But, sir...!” They doubt! Today, at the age of 56, when I tell these anxious young-kids that, when I was like them, I battled, every day and every night, with the same ‘I-can’t-speak-English-ghost’, most of them don’t believe me. “How is it possible? We can see you, hear you and feel ...

 Pic.: Unnati Jiandani W henever I had to speak before an audience, the thought that I had to speak in public would put my body and mind off balance… I would start getting anxious, doubtful of my ability… I would start breathing faster, shallow… My thoughts would get all muddled up… I would think one thing and say something else… My palms would sweat, hands and legs would tremble… just by the thought that I had to speak in public. O ne day, a friend of mine - a teacher of Indian Philosophy – sensing my problem, asked me, “Have you ever observed a Sadhu eating his meal?” He continued, “It is a great delight to watch him relish it, so completely so happily… He doesn’t think about his next meal… He is fully into the meal in hand – he is in the ‘Present’, the ‘Now’… He is grateful, he is sure, he is detached… He is free… and at peace with himself.” At...

“What we see in Life… is what we are looking for!”   Exams are approaching, and, one of my students has been giving sleepless nights to his mother. “I have forgotten everything… I am blank,” he has been repeatedly telling her, “I can’t give the exam.” The mother is shocked. “You have attended the classes for a whole year… Solved so many exercises, given so many tests… and, now, you say you can’t give exams?” She is yelling at him. Two days ago, the mother came to meet me and described to me her plight. “What happened beta?” I asked the young-man, holding his hand, gently. “Sir, I have forgotten ‘everything’,” he said with the meekest voice. “Don’t worry beta, it happens sometimes before the exams,” I tried to pep him up, “We still have time.” “Beta, you don’t have to take any tension,” the mother joined, “just try your best and give the exams.” “But, mom, I can’t… I am blank!” he, again, screamed, “I don’t remember anythin...