THE FIRST MOVE IS ALWAYS FROM MY END

I think, forgiveness does not necessarily need two people – the forgiver and the forgiven. One person is enough… and, that can be either of the two.

Yes, if I seek forgiveness from you and you forgive me, it is an ideal situation. But, in real life, there are no ‘ideal’ situations. The only ideal is: if there is no forgiveness, there is no peace… and, if there is no peace, Life is miserable. A hell!

I was talking to a young man a while ago, who was angry at his father. It seems, last night, a small argument lead to a physical brawl between the father and the son. And, the young man was not in a position to accept this behavior from his father. As I knew the father too very well, I got father’s version as well… Even he said the same thing, “I am not prepared to accept my son’s behaviour.”

So, what now? Is it a dead-end? Is there hope or no hope?

There is hope… Because, there are no dead-ends in life. For a sensible and teachable human being, all dead-ends are new turning-points in life… They are his opportunities to grow as a fine, mature individual.

I said to the young man, “Dear, do you know from where does your dad’s behavior come?”

The young man did not have a clue…

“Every adult has a child inside him… Often, this child has been wounded, not cared for, not been loved enough… Often, this child has been abused by his own parents. Have you ever thought about it? Till you do not empathize with this invisible condition of your dad, you will only conclude “He is cruel”… “He is unjust”, etc.

Fortunately, the young man was able to get my point. “Is peace important to you or not?” I asked him.

“It is very important,” the young man said.

“Then, don’t wait for your dad to make the first move,” I said, “Go and make the first move.”

The first move is always mine, if peace is dear to me. But, my ego doesn’t allow me to do it, I know. But, I also know, that it is less difficult compared to the weight of living under that heavy stone over my heart. A simple gesture like, “I am sorry dad for my behavior last night”…  yes, it takes a man to make this first move… It can melt my dad!

Will my dad forgive me?

Most probably, he will.

“Seeking forgiveness is a greater act of courage than forgiving your tormentor,” I told the young man. Then I added, “It is as courageous as forgiving your tormentor on your own.”

“Seek to understand and then to be understood.” Stephen Covey listed this as the Habits no. 5 in his revered book, ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.”

So, there we go, once again: the first move is always from ‘my end’… by being ‘Proactive’.

And, to sum it all: ‘Be Proactive’ was the Habit no. 1.

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pic.: Avinash Mantri