WE NEED TO HELP SAVE THEIR FACES

 “We all make mistakes.”

Well, it seems, this statement is just there in our vocabulary as a mere cliché!

Yes, we all know… that we all make mistakes. But, in daily life, we would like to believe so only when we commit our own mistakes and want others to be patient, tolerant and kind to us!

And, let others make their mistakes! We are right there, right away, with all our acidic responses! At that time, we coolly forget the famous quote – “We all make mistakes”… and, we assume that it is our moral and spiritual duty to correct the ‘sinner’ immediately… So, there we are: commenting, criticizing and condemning him all in public glare… all in the dubious pretext of ‘helping’ or ‘correcting’ him!

Now, this, certainly, IS the mistake: forgetting that others, too, are humans like us, that they make their mistakes just as we do ours… that though they need to be helped, guided and corrected as we too need to be… we should first help them by saving their faces… protect them from public humiliation… Yes, forgetting this and going about, with our acidic impatience and arrogance, pointing at their mistakes and trying to demean them in public, behaving as if that is ‘our duty’ to ‘fix’ them…

Oh yes, we all do this mistake… very often!

When other person is guilty, the last thing that he wants from us is reminding him about his guilt! It is like rubbing salt on his live wounds!

And, still, that’s exactly what most of us do… and, most often!

By shutting up our itching mouths – by refraining ourselves from our desperate urge to say something about other person’s mistakes… “You should have,” “You shouldn’t have,” “Why,” “When,” “Where,” “Who,” and all such preachy stuff – and allow the other person to cool off, reach a comfort zone where he is more receptive for help, suggestions and corrections… yes, by reaching out to him in this fashion, we really do a great service to him.

Helping someone save his face in public 

 by not reminding him about his ‘errors’ 

is a great character strength… 

It is an amazing human value, so packed with compassion, that it can instantly heal a wounded soul… Save it from the hell-fire!

Some months ago, a friend of mine narrated this common-place incident. I believe there is a great lesson concealed in it.

One night, my friend and his wife were fast asleep at home. It was 1.30, and the message buzzer of his cell-phone woke up my friend from his sleep. Rubbing his half-opened eyes, he tried to read the odd-hour message:

 “Honey, I miss you… Love you… Good night!”

By now, the eyes were wide open… and the sleep was out of the window!

The first thing my friend did was to check whether his own wife was awake!

Next, to check who the sender could be!

No way could he know it!

After racking his brain for some time, he quickly deleted the message and went back to sleep…

But you know how it is! The poor fellow, my friend, had to spend a sleepless night!

The next day morning, around 11, my friend’s cell-phone began to ring. A lady, in her early forties, who he knew, was on line. “I am sorry for sending that late-night message to you,” she confessed, sounding a lot embarrassed and guilty. “It was by mistake,” she continued, “Your name is stored in my mobile immediately after my daughter’s name. The message was supposed to go to her… I realized the mistake only this morning.”

“Which message ma’am?” my friend asked the lady, sounding sincerely ignorant, “I did not receive any message on my cell.”

“Is it?” the lady sounded a lot relieved on the other end, “I have been feeling very bad about it ever since I realized the mistake.”

“Relax ma’am,” my friend said to the lady gently, “don’t feel bad. How’s your daughter in Chennai? Please convey my regards to her.”

A big relief to my friend, too! A heavy stone had fallen off his heart!

My friend knew about the lady’s family. She had lost her husband, some two years ago, in a tragic accident. Now, a week back, her only daughter was married and had settled in Chennai.

So, that was the mystery behind the late-night message - "Honey, I miss you… Love you… Good night"… It was meant for the lady’s young married-daughter… and not for my friend!

My friend did confess before me this: “The lady was a young widow and the message could be, in deed, one she had sent to the new man in her life… Who knows? As she was clarifying to me over the phone, this thought did cross my mind. But, that was not for me to explore or expose… That’s her personal life. I chose to believe in what she was telling me…and, even before that, I had instinctively let her feel comfortable… I did not want her to feel humiliated or guilty…”

This incident did not happen in public. Only my friend was privy to it. The scope of humiliation was limited… Still, my friend acted very gracefully and allowed the lady to save her face… He wanted to respect her dignity.

Sure, “We all make our mistakes.” But, we always wish others showed enough kindness and help save our faces. Then, don’t others wish from us the same, too?

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pics.: Manisha Punjabi