Gerald D'Cunha

Pic.: Azriel D'Souza I t's more than a week now, and I haven't published a single post on my blog. That's something unusual; for, I love writing... It is my deep need... that, I should express every day. Yes, it makes me feel extremely happy, centered and healed, too. Fair enough.  But, how much of that need to write and express every day comes from my 'ego'? How much of that comes from my obsessive-compulsory behavior... yes, 'disorder'? The OCD, they call it in psychology. In fact, someone asked me yesterday, "How do you feel when you have not written a single post for over a week now?" He was my close friend and he knew how much happy blogging and writing would make me... When smokers stop smoking and drinkers stop drinking, they experience some withdrawal symptoms. When people like me – those who aren’t used to fasting, who love to eat well – suddenly decide to fast, yes, certainly, we will experien...

  I   did not feel like writing the whole day, today… Just let alone my need to express, say something… know what others feel about my Posts… My restlessness… that I ‘miss’ something if I don’t…. Yes, the compulsions! Everyday, a thousand things cross my mind and another thousand things touch my heart… Yes, they did today, too… The whole day long… I allowed them to cross my mind… felt their touch in my heart… But, a question kept haunting me: “Why is this need in me to pause… capture… and interpret them to the world?” “Why this restlessness? This desperation?" I left the passing thoughts...  be; I left the touching feelings...  be. Sometimes, the questions seem to provide more solace than their answers… “Why do I need the world to validate my opinions?” “Why can’t I seek the beauty in others’?” "I make a difference"… It is definitely good to know .this But, it is even better...

“I blog every day.” I keep telling this to every one, every day. And, because I have told it to every one, every day… I see myself ‘compelled’ by my own statement, my own proclamation.  By now, it has become an ‘ego-issue’. Yes, I am driven by my own ego! I did not blog yesterday. It took a break.  Now, what sort of break was it? Was it a ‘conscious break’ or was it ‘forced upon me’, which I had to take because I was ‘helpless’? Well, it wasn’t a ‘conscious’ break. My schedule was crazy the entire day… Every time I tried to type something, something else would come up… and, the whole day went in this manner.  My blog did not happen. I wanted to write, but I could not. I was not happy about that. I found myself resisting, arguing in my mind, even worrying about “What others would think”… “I have failed to keep my word”… “I have not lived up to my own expectations… the world’s expectations”… A hun...