Gerald D'Cunha

  “What makes people weak? Their need for validation and recognition,  their need to feel important.  Don’t get caught in this trap.” Paulo Coelho   T he proof of the pudding is in the in the eating. Meaning, your theory – the inspiring words, the positive philosophy, and, even, the most sincere love and trust – yes, in the end, it doesn’t matter much... The final outcome, the result – it does. No matter in how many ways I try to tell a parent, “Your kid will do well in life, please relax,” – the parent wants the kid to do well in the ‘exams’ in hand... This means, if the kid shines in the exams in hand, the kid will shine in life, as well... I want to see the result – now...  I want to taste the pudding – now... I want the proof. From my years of teaching experience, I can safely tell the anxious parents this: Every kid will have to find his own garden and his own time to bloom. Today, he may not catch up with his piers... and, that’s perfectly ...

    “The more you believe in yourself, the more the world believes in you.” Isa Zapata   F aith in one’s abilities doesn’t come overnight. If it does, such faith in oneself – such self-belief – can be dangerous. Self-belief should come gradually, through great deal of self-awareness, and lots of self-introspection… Else, it’s overconfidence… As I said, it can be dangerous. What one is good at, what work one can do exceptionally well – yes, the sooner one gets this awareness, the sooner comes one’s self-belief. T wo days ago, I was holding a programme for the students of a premier Architecture college in Mumbai. The subject of the programme was ‘Self-confidence and Communication Skills’. Towards the end, when I asked those young kids to ask me any question that bothered them, many did. But, two questions from these two girls, particularly, carried a worthy response from my side… O ne of these two girls gathered her courage and said, “Sir, I am a shy perso...

  “Sometimes, truths are what we run from; sometimes, they are what we seek.” R. D. Ronald   “L ook at me when I teach; your eyes listen more than your ears.” Invariably, I say this to my young students, a dozen times, every day. From my teaching experience of nearly five decades (I started teaching when I was about 17… and, this month, I will be 67!), I have come to realize this: We fully ‘listen’ when our ears and eyes both pay attention. In fact, eyes do a better job… But, then, I have realized this, too… The ears may hear and eyes may see, but true listening takes place only when our hearts are open, only when we listen from our hearts… So, fifty years or hundred years – I wonder, how many of my students have really ‘learnt’, really paid attention to my teaching… And, that applies to me as well - to their teacher… F or fifty long years, have I taught those thousands of young kids with my full attention… with the clean intention to help them, guide them, emp...

Expectations are like fine pottery. The harder you hold them, the more likely they are to crack.” Brandon Sanderson   M y first batch, today, was to start at 8 am… I was the first one to arrive, that’s at 7.50. A couple of them arrived between 8.10 and 8.15… A couple of them joined online, late though… A couple of them didn’t show up at all… and, none of them had done the homework… The irritation was building within me… The questions were incessantly popping up from the hot furnace: “In a few days, these young kids will be ending their year: What is my contribution to their growth and education? Will it be the marks they are going to score, or will it be some subtle intangible things – like, being more self-responsible, more sensitive towards others’ feelings, towards difficulties of their parents… being punctual, committed and thankful?” I found myself letting my steam, like it did from a hot furnace… I may spend my lifetime trying to teach a cat how to bark… but, i...

  “All bad behaviour is really a request for love, attention or validation.” Kimberly Giles   W hat is 'Be real', really means? To me, it means 'Be human'. Which means, enough of playing ‘God’… This place called ‘Earth’ is a real world, and not a ‘Paradise’. People are ‘real’ here and not angels. So, ‘Be real’ means, be able to deal with people around you realistically. This shows the way I deal with two kinds of people around me… The first kind includes those who are empathetic, and who listen to me without judging… advise me with a genuine concern and not with a sense of manipulation. They make me open up, express my fears, anxieties, sorrows as well as joys freely; and, in the process, they help me feel good about myself. Yes, this validation is very crucial for me to feel ‘real’ – a human. Unless I am able to do it with genuine people around me, I will suffer inside… feel deprived of love, care and concern. So, this is ‘good validation’. On the oth...

  “A stark sense of isolation encloses anyone who looks outward for validation.” Gina Barreca T he need for other people’s approval is an extremely strong need, in almost all of us… Whether we admit it or not, it is. To a certain degree, acceptance of this reality helps us to live in peace with our inner selves. Living in denial is a huge strain. “I do not need any one’s approval”… “I do not need your validation”… Well, we, often, make these statements and they make us appear quite macho. But, I think, beneath that macho veneer hides our deep human need for approval, appreciation and validation from others. So, getting in touch with this need – and being able to gauge how much it helps us or how much it hurts us – is part of growing-up process. After reading my last Blog – ‘Counting the Footwear Outside My Door’ – my cousin Jennifer wrote this: “It’s like we are always seeking validation from others – validation, that we exist and are of value. While, intrinsically, becau...

T here was this young ninth-standard girl, who attended a few P.D. sessions a year ago. She was going through a very low phase at that time… She hated being treated as a ‘slow learner’ in school… She thought she was ‘normal’, but her teachers and authorities felt she was ‘not normal’. It was her parents, particularly the mother, who – like Edison’s mother did – refused to accept the ‘validation certificate’ of the teachers and school authorities… “We know our child better than anyone else does,” asserted the parents, “we shall see that our child grows up confident and compassionate.” Two days ago, I received a phone call from the young girl. “Sir, just wanted to share with you my joy… I got 91% in ICSE tenth.” I was happy for the girl. I had not taught her any of her subjects… All that I had done was to help her through our few P.D. sessions. “Sir, I can never forget those sessions in my life,” the young lady said, “You came at the right time in my life… You put m...

Pic.: Ruma Chatterjee R ight now, some of my most significant people in life – my wife, son, mom, my in-laws, brothers and their families, some close friends and well-wishers - are not physically present here, from where I am working. Still, I can feel their strong presence around me... I can feel their warmth, their acceptance, their love and validation. Not even for fraction of a second, I sense their absence... I do not feel the urge to talk to them, be next to them... enquire about them, least of all, complain or crib about them... I know they are all safe as I am here... I know they all think about me as I do about them... I know they all feel my presence just as I feel theirs here, now... So, what is this strange phenomenon called in love and relationship? ‘Presence’? I have been coining this word, since last evening... I do not need to call-up or text someone near-and-dear to say, “I love you” or “I miss you”... Or to say, “You are awesome” o...

The more I pause and think about it, the harder and truer it hits me: I have to find my own joy, in my daily little things… I have to do it for myself, in my own way... And, move on. No matter who the other person is, my joy is my own baby, my own responsibility. The other person may or may not be a partner in my joy. If he does, it is a surprise bonus… and if he doesn’t, it should not ruin my day. Often, when I have expectations from the other person, that he should be a partner in my joy… and, when that doesn’t happen – I see myself let down, bitter and sad, even angry and cynical.  It is a celestial feeling when someone tells me that he cares for me, loves me… It is equally a celestial feeling when I tell the same to someone… But then, honestly, these are just some nice words… that make us feel good for a while. The next moment, it is a new reality. I see myself all alone… as he sees himself to be… and, that’s how life is, t...