THE INNOCENT WEDDINGS
It is close to twenty, 'long' years! That's for our marriage. The count down has started for our Silver Jubilee.
A year is a long time not only in politics, but also in marriage. I remember, just a couple of days after our marriage, my in-laws had celebrated their wedding silver-jubilee. So, for them, it is the count down for their Golden Jubilee.
Why do I write about this subject, today?
Two days back, Alka had come to see me. "Our marriage did not work; we have separated," she said. There was no hesitation, no sign of any sort of stigma as Alka made that confession. It was plain and simple...
I was silent for a while. Just through an empathetic silence, my eyes conveyed to her my feelings: "I am sad; it shouldn't have happened."
Alka's marriage couldn't last for even eight months!
I still remember what I told them as I wished them on their reception night - "You make a lovely, happy couple... Wish you all the best." Both of them had bent down to touch my feet... and I had blessed them through my embarrassment.
They say, "No body walks into a marriage thinking of separation. Every body thinks, it is for ever." Then, why do marriages crumble the way they do, now?
I do not know. All that I know is this: two people - almost strangers - come together, hoping and promising to each other to stay together in good times and bad times. But, it is tough. When times are good, we are willing to stay together... but, when the chips are down, we have no patience.
My parents and in-laws had not studied as much as we have. They weren't as ambitious as we are. They were couples with simple aspirations in life... too old-fashioned to think of 'divorces'... too society-conscious, too God-fearing (or, say it - Priest-fearing) people. They never openly discussed their marital problems... They fought them out behind their closed doors, they worked them out... they compromised, reconciled... They broke their promises, but soon apologised, made new promises... and they kept going, yes, in good times and bad times alike. Staying together in marriage - 'till death did them apart' - was a deeply embedded 'value' for them. It was a very, very important priority in their life.
I think, the times have changed, and they are changing even faster with a lightening speed. We have so many options, every where. Yes, in married life, too. Don't like it, get out of it... We say this faster, and we move on in life. We call it 'fast life' - digital, cyber... or, cosmetic or skin-deep, if you like. One goes, another comes. Sorry, the another comes, even before 'the one' is still there!
I do not know, if our children would ever talk about Silver Weddings and Golden Weddings. I do not know, if the Priests would ever insist them to make that old promise - "In good times, and bad times... I shall live with you."
The less I 'know', the better. You may yell back at me saying, "You mean, ignorance is bliss?"
I never said that. But, 'innocence' is. At least, in marriage.
GERALD D'CUNHA
A year is a long time not only in politics, but also in marriage. I remember, just a couple of days after our marriage, my in-laws had celebrated their wedding silver-jubilee. So, for them, it is the count down for their Golden Jubilee.
Why do I write about this subject, today?
Two days back, Alka had come to see me. "Our marriage did not work; we have separated," she said. There was no hesitation, no sign of any sort of stigma as Alka made that confession. It was plain and simple...
I was silent for a while. Just through an empathetic silence, my eyes conveyed to her my feelings: "I am sad; it shouldn't have happened."
Alka's marriage couldn't last for even eight months!
I still remember what I told them as I wished them on their reception night - "You make a lovely, happy couple... Wish you all the best." Both of them had bent down to touch my feet... and I had blessed them through my embarrassment.
They say, "No body walks into a marriage thinking of separation. Every body thinks, it is for ever." Then, why do marriages crumble the way they do, now?
I do not know. All that I know is this: two people - almost strangers - come together, hoping and promising to each other to stay together in good times and bad times. But, it is tough. When times are good, we are willing to stay together... but, when the chips are down, we have no patience.
My parents and in-laws had not studied as much as we have. They weren't as ambitious as we are. They were couples with simple aspirations in life... too old-fashioned to think of 'divorces'... too society-conscious, too God-fearing (or, say it - Priest-fearing) people. They never openly discussed their marital problems... They fought them out behind their closed doors, they worked them out... they compromised, reconciled... They broke their promises, but soon apologised, made new promises... and they kept going, yes, in good times and bad times alike. Staying together in marriage - 'till death did them apart' - was a deeply embedded 'value' for them. It was a very, very important priority in their life.
I think, the times have changed, and they are changing even faster with a lightening speed. We have so many options, every where. Yes, in married life, too. Don't like it, get out of it... We say this faster, and we move on in life. We call it 'fast life' - digital, cyber... or, cosmetic or skin-deep, if you like. One goes, another comes. Sorry, the another comes, even before 'the one' is still there!
I do not know, if our children would ever talk about Silver Weddings and Golden Weddings. I do not know, if the Priests would ever insist them to make that old promise - "In good times, and bad times... I shall live with you."
The less I 'know', the better. You may yell back at me saying, "You mean, ignorance is bliss?"
I never said that. But, 'innocence' is. At least, in marriage.
GERALD D'CUNHA
Comments
But sometimes, it is difficult to continue living with a person who has cheated behind your back or is really not a good human-being at all, is not at all compassionate, not at all loving etc..
But by the time one realizes it, its already too late, since they are already into a wed-lock.
I also do not understand why people have the misconception of "Opposites attracting each other in a marriage".
Thats strange, because how can holy and unholy, moral and immoral, pious and characterless stay together.
Union in marriages happen only when there are similarities and not dissimilarities.
What do you suggest to these couples sir? Are they meant to be together? Should a innocent person waste his/her life and suffer just because he/she is tied into a mysterious wed lock?
Whats your take on this sir?
Happy to read your comment.
There are so many questions you have asked me... I do not know where to start answering from!
Well, let me try in my own 'innocent' way!
Mehul, all of us think that we -are 'good'. In marriage, each parter thinks he/she is good... there is always, and invariably, something wrong with the other person... That,he/she needs to change, needs to be 'fixed'. If counselling is suggested to me, my reation is this: I am ok... counselling is needed for 'her'... Yes, she needs to be fixed.
I have come to believe, after 20 years of my married life... that marriage is a wonderful 'cleansing' process!
"What?" You may react. I said, ceansing process. Yes, I am that dirty cloth... and my wife is that fine 'dhobi'!
Now, don't get mad or disheartened. You pl go ahead with your girlfriend. Tomorrow, if you find her obsessed with the 'washing' work, you will have that option open: to get washed and become clean... or, to refuse to be... and remain in muck... or, simply pull her close to you, hug her tightly, very tightly, and tell her with all the intimacy in the world - "Honey, you turn me on... You r amazing... I love you."
Didn't understand?
It is ok. Just chill. For 'talaq' to happen... one doesn't need 'big' reasons... even my dirty socks on the floor would suffice. I was talking, in my post - "Innocend Weddings" - about our growing impatience, and crumbling values... and, of course, about may fear: the slow death of this age-old institution called: 'MATRIMONY'.
Love,
GERRY
Dont know what the next generation will go for -what relation ship will they maintain and for how long.
Felt good hearing from you after a long time.
How are kids and hubby? Give my love.
Yes Savita, one wonders: What kind of relationship is in store for our children. We can only hope, they make the right choices in their lives.
Things have changed and they are changing even faster now. So be it.
As Kahlil Gibran said, "our children are Life's longing for itself." Yes, we are the Bows, and they are the the Arrows... and the Great Archer (God) bends us so that He can shoot them forth to infinite destiny.
Do read my posts, and comment.
Love,
GERRY