Monday, January 30, 2012

YES, I AM MY BEST FRIEND









Once again, I am writing on the same subject: “Fear, Anger, and Jealousy… Why is it so difficult to do away them from my life? How can I separate these feelings from my actions?


Kumar likes my articles. I haven’t met him, yet. But, I have a strong feeling: the reason why he likes my posts is that I sound to him very much like him… a real human… filled with the same raw emotions of love and hate, faith and fear, admiration and jealousy… I think, he likes the fact that I sincerely talk about my confusions, my struggles and my genuine yearnings to be good, compassionate and zestful…. Yes, despite all my insecurities, pain and self-doubts.


Yes, I think Kumar sees hope in my writings!


I find it extremely difficult to separate my emotions from my actions… even though anger, fear and envy are not the emotions to help me produce good actions. Or, is that – they ARE? Kumar could relate it – this dilemma, this drama – to  his life. 


In my next post, ‘Warmed By The Same Summer’, I had written this:



I do get angry.

I do get afraid.

I do get jealous.

And, I do want to know: 

“What is wrong with that?”


I had further said:

If something is wrong, then alright: Let me write about it… as it is… not hiding anything, not justifying, not blaming or accusing… not feeling guilty or victimized. Yes, let me write about it honestly, fully… beautifully.


And, there they go – my anger, my fear, my envy - like a ghost out of my body…
Leaving me feeling not just good, but Great. Yes, Great!


Came Kumar’s honest response, quickly:


Dear Gerry,
For you, your anger, your fear and your envy go out of your body – like a ghost, because you are able to write it down so beautifully. What about us?? How do we remove the ghost out of our body?”




 



A very dear student of mine, Natasha*, is presently in some personal pain. She always looked up to me, sought my help regularly and I was very happy doing what I was doing. She had sincerely expressed to me, time and again, that she was grateful to me for my help and it had helped her to grow as a strong, confident and zestful human being. And, now the final exams are round the corner… some personal problem – a painful misunderstanding with someone dear to her – has made her suddenly sulk. She doesn’t respond to anyone’s phone calls or messages… It is a sudden blackout. 


When two to three attempts to reach her through my texts failed, just last afternoon, I sent a very honest and direct message – very gentle and caring as well – to this dear soul who was in pain. “Natasha, I am concerned about you as there is no communication from your end,” I told her, “You are in pain and I understand your need to be alone… and I respect that. But, at the same time, it is important to communicate that need to others frankly, fearlessly and gently… It is crucial for our well-being… It makes us peaceful, light… and helps us walk with our head high…Our lack of communication is causing misunderstanding, hurt and pain… and slowly it can turn into poison. I really appreciate a word of communication so that my mind stops guessing and we stop hurting each other more…”


Within seconds, Natasha got back to me. She apologized for causing this misunderstanding and thereby the hurt and pain… She expressed her present need to be alone to figure out things on her own… and she hoped I would understand her.


I did. All that I needed to hear from Natasha, whose well-being I cared for as my own little daughter, was this simple, sincere and well-intended statement. I immediately expressed my delight in receiving this message and I told her that her honest gesture would help both of us to walk light in life… without any fear, guilt, blame or anger. I assured my helping hand whenever required and, above all, I told her that I would respect her need to be alone. 


I had a choice to put an end to all this by just ignoring it as ‘such a small stuff’ in life. Or, to keep pestering her to come around and be nice to me as she always had been… Or, to act like an Alexander-the-Great and tell her on her face, “To hell with you, ma’am!”


And, yes, I had this choice too: To trust in another soul’s goodness… be compassionate… be a little more large-hearted in my approach… and handle a relationship with sensitivity and care… God forbid, I did not want a fine relationship to come to an end on a poisonous note and add more stress in my life. There is already enough. 


So, it was all about a choice. I chose to trust… and I took a risk. Maybe, Natasha could have ignored my gesture… Luckily, she did not. Had she, yes, probably I would have sulked more… experience the whole gambit of human feelings – insecurity, loss of love, hurt and betrayal… blame and anger… and after that what?

 
Yes, after that what?


Was it Natasha’s life or was it my life I was so keen to put on track?


Natasha wants to be alone, precisely for this reason. She has realized that no one else can put her life on track… except she herself. So, she wants to be alone for some time, see things in proper perspective… and, that is the sanest thing she can do, at this stage. The worst thing would be: to allow the hurt and pain turn into poison in her soul. She realized it and that’s why she instantly, reconciled with me. 


I do the same, every morning. It is my life… and I do it alone… through my journal – my writings, my confessions. It helps me… heals my wounds, makes me feel liberated from the bondage of blame, guilt, victimization and hostility. It makes me feel confident happy and successful.  Moreover, it helps me grow in life as a very constructive and contributing kind of human being. And yes, very, very spiritual… very much connected to my dear, dear friend and well-wisher, my God!


And, yes Kumar, this is my way of chasing the Ghosts out of my body!


Incidentally, just before Christmas, I had gifted a beautiful New-year dairy to Natasha and encouraged her to write down her thoughts – as she felt them – so that she could grow stronger, finer and wiser in life. But, as Kumar admitted, everybody can not do that… 


Everybody can not send ghosts out of their body the way I do… by writing so beautifully about them!


“Kumar, my writings come from my good intentions. I mean well for me and everyone around. As you do… and as my dear and innocent student Natasha does. If not writing, you can always pick up the phone and say what you want to say… You can always open your heart before someone and say how scared you are… how confused, how guilty… and, how angry. If no one is there to tell to, you can tell it  to God… Trust me, He would surely listen.


“Good intentions pierce through even our deadliest enemy’s heart. Every move that you make should spring from your good intention… You mean well for others… and, that is the key for your own well-being. Learn to communicate even your worst thoughts in the most sincere and fearless manner… Keep no extra baggage, keep no wounds unattended… walk light, and walk with your head high. There is no peace in the world outside… the world is within you.”


 


On the 26th of this month, my wife’s colleague, Himali died of breast cancer. She was barely 31 and had left behind her young husband and their six-year-old son in great sorrow. Just a few months ago, Himali had been to Russia with all her colleagues, including my wife. My wife spoke fondly about those memories… Hemali, probably knew what was going to come… and she lived every moment in Russia to the fullest. There was no sign of self-pity, pain, fear or regret… and they had beautiful time being together. And, then, on 26th morning, some one called my wife to tell, “Himali is no more!”


Even in the most biting chill of Russia, my wife hadn’t frozen. On hearing this news, she did!





I am 53 and my wife is 44. 

Natasha is 17 and Kumar, I do not know. 

“But, let me tell you this, Kumar. 

Everything happens in the NOW – today. 

Yes, love, hate, faith, fear, 

appreciation, envy… 

 anger and reconciliation. 

NOW is really the time to heal

your own wounds 

and to heal someone’s too. 

If peace is your deep intention, 

do whatever it takes...”





I do not want to die a bitter soul… Nor do I wish to leave someone so when I die. I will do whatever it takes to do away the bitterness…


These ghosts return…


My good intention will take care of them!


Love you Kumar, love you Natasha… Love you LIFE!



* The name is changed


GERALD D’CUNHA

THANKS:
The image used in this Post is by Ashok Ahuja. He is a professional Photographer and a very dear friend of mine. He is also one of the founder members of The Dawn Club, and, along with his gifted-artist wife, Sudha, has been helping me, and the Club, right from its inception.







16 comments:

JANE MIRANDA said...

You make me cry in hope!!!

Thank you, Gerry, thank you!

-- Jane

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Thanks Jane... Glad the post touched you.

Do read regularly...

Love,

GERRY

Anonymous said...

Liked the post immensely Gerald. Made me feel 'I am okay' despite all my flaws!

With gratitude,

... P.K

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Oh yes P.K.... we are all okay despite our huge human flaws!

Thanks,

Love,

GERALD

Surekha Raman said...

I do not know, why i have suddenly felt so at ease with may own fear, anger and envy... I really did not know that they are there in my life to help me grow, make me a refined soul.

Thanks a ton Gerry,

May God Bless you.

Surekha

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Yes Surekha... these feelings are there in us to help us grow, make us reined souls...

Glad, u liked the post...

Do read regularly...

Thanks,

Love,

GERRY

Anonymous said...

Gerry, I am really amazed by the way you use all your feelings to form something so sublime, each day! It leaves me inspired.

Thank you, keep doing it!

.. Vishal

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Thanks Vishal for ur kind words...

Love,

GERRY

Kumar said...

Dear Gerry,
I always used to wonder "Am I the only one who gets angry,gets emotional and is afraid". Thanks a lot Gerry for making it clear that it is all fine. After all, we are humans and not Robots and are bound to have these qualities. Feel much lighter now. The reason why I wrote "Vaachas chame" in my yesterday's sms was "Thanks once again for the Book because of which I could get connected to you"
BTW Kumar is now 51 yrs young.

N.Kumar

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Yes Kumar, you are not alone in feeling so!

It is perfectly fine... as long as you are able to 'see' what is happening inside!

It is also imp to keep our hearts clean!

Thanks and happy that I met u thru my book...

Love,

GERRY

CA Pooja Gupta said...

Dear Sir,
Why do we need to communicate that we need "me time" when things have gone wrong with us? The people who love us why can't they understand by themselves that 'I need to be alone..I need to introspect'. You knew Natasha was going thru a rough patch again then why did you want her to respond and tell that she needed "me time"....

You rightly said in your post and I truly believe it so "I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR MY LIFE". If I sow apple seeds I cannot expect to enjoy mango fruit. But it takes hell lot of pain and time to understand this small line..I have started to stop blaming all for whatever happened in my life..because I am responsible for me!! Thank you once again Sir for lifting my hamstring!! Cheers..
Yours,
Pooja

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Hey Pooja, I am happy that this post has stirred u.

Pooja, I hope, u must have realized after reading my post - in fact all my daily post - I write them to deal with my own dilemmas... to do away with my won cobwebs.

Yes, I knew Natasha was going thru a tough time... and, she wanted to be alone... She had a need in her to be alone. At the same time, I was going thru my own tough time as I was yearning to hear it from her... My deep need to be told that was my source of sorrow.

One years of age may separate we two. But, Pooja, the human needs are universal... Yes, sensitivities of people differ...

If letting Natasha know my need to hear from her - so that it can help us walk light - had come from my good intention. Had I not expressed it before her, I would have taken more time to heal my wounds. And, she too.

I hope, Natasha must have felt good after she communicated to me... and after I assured her about my respect and delight.

We need to communicate Pooja... that's what I seriously feel. It helps to do away our pain... make us peaceful.

After all, that's what matters in life, isn't it?

Take care, Pooja,

Thanks,

Love,

GERRY

CA Pooja Gupta said...

Dear Sir,
I knew you would reply instantly.
Believe me Sir in tough times the most difficult thing to do is communicate.. I can't do it for sure!! I feel so much short of words that I want to immediately enter my shell..But anyways, thanx felt so nice to speak to you thru ur blog!!
Take care Sir.
Pooja

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Yes Pooja, u are right. In tough times, communication is very difficult. That's why, perhaps, my communication with Natasha might sound like 'unrealistic' to some!

To me, it is not.

Pooja, in any form of love, we become vulnerable!

Our need, if unexpressed and unvalidated, turns into our deep pain... and if this pain is not unattended to, it becomes poison.

We are still growing-up, Pooja! It is okay; it is okay!!

Love,

GERRY

shirley said...

dear sir,
Reading this i feel much relaxed.All souls leaving have their own anxieties in different forms,its not me alone who is facing it.I have learnt that more important is to keep our own intentions good n learn someway to drive away the ghosts residing under us.I feel much more confident to deal with my fears n anxieties after reading this.It has truly helped me.

thank you sir,
Shirley.

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Yes Shirley... it all boils down to our intentions!

If our intention are 'clean'... then, fear, anger ore envy fail to rule our peace...

Let's, therefore, constantly try to get in touch with our intentions!

Thanks,

Love,

GERRY