DO WE NEED TO WIN THE ARGUMENTS WITH OUR DEAR ONES?

I was helping a group of young boys and girls, today morning, in the art of ‘Group Discussion’. They know why, where and when GDs are held; and, in sessions like ours, they learn how to be effective in this art. Why not to decry another participant, and not to become ‘personal’ during GDs, and, how to tactfully deal with extremely opposite view-points, without sounding either aggressive or submissive – yes, these are some important lessons the young ones learn during our GD sessions.

But, what is interesting is this: many of us, including me, do not apply these basic lessons in our day-to-day dealings… at home and with friends, in particular. We can see the way the arguments with our spouses and children go… And, I believe, we almost become immune to it.

Why is that the rules of GDs are thrown out of the windows of our personal lives?

Maybe, because we take our personal relationships for granted… We know, for sure, that nobody is going to ‘fail’ us or ‘reject’ us. So, unlike in GDs, we are not afraid or worried about getting rejected in our personal discussions – aka ‘arguments’. It’s funny - and even silly – that, most of us don’t listen to each others’ views at all… We are impatient, critical, mean (savage!), too judgmental and bias. As they say, about such discussions – we don’t ‘talk to’ each other, we ‘talk at’ each other! It’s truly ironic, that we seek strange pleasure – almost sadistic – when we see our own dear ones ‘defeated’ – wounded and hurt – in this peculiar warfare!

Yes, it happens regularly in our daily lives! Often, we leave our dear ones wounded and hurt… and, often, they leave us so.

Is winning an argument really more important to us than not losing our dear ones?

Many times, right in the middle of such mindless arguments, I have realized the futility of it all. I have become strikingly aware of our ‘clouded’ thinking, stemming from silly egoes… I have become aware of the consequences: winning an argument but losing a dear one… and, I have abruptly decided to quit the ‘battle ground’…

What is important ‘is’ important. Winning an argument with a significantly dear one is not at all important. It’s not worth at all.

As I write this, here, I am outside the battle zone… I can see this truth so clearly. An argument in which I am hell-bent to defeat my own parent, spouse or child… yes, in order to ‘win’ it… is not a sign of healthy self-esteem. We may pass in the ‘GD’ test… but, fail in this one!

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pic.: Suresh Bagrodia