AM I TRYING TO BE STRONGER THAN I FEEL?

“I am exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel.”

–Unknown

“It's a good thing that when God created the rainbow, He didn't consult a decorator;” said Sam Levenson, “or, He would still be picking colors.”

Yesterday, during the lunch break, I asked one of the trainers (who headed the primary section of one of the Vibgyor schools in Mumbai, “Ma’am, how do you pronounce your school name?”

Now, I knew some students who studied in this well-known school. I, also, knew some school counselors and parents associated with this school. Moreover, I have been a teacher for over four decades… and, here I was: asking, with all my innocence (please do not call it ‘ignorance’!), this lady trainer, “Ma’am, how to you pronounce your school name?”

So kind on her part, she never made me feel, that I was a dumb idiot… “VIBGYOR’ She said.

“Those are the colours of rainbow.” Explained, happily, another male trainer, “Violet, Indigo, Blue, Green, Yellow, Orange, Red."

“Really?” I expressed my surprise, “I did not know that!”

Well, I do not know what my associates – both my co-trainers – thought of me last afternoon. But, I, certainly, know what I thought of myself: “It’s okay my friend… You need not know everything under the rainbow!”

I am at peace!

Normally, I do not talk much when I am with people, even with known ones. I talk less. In fact, I find myself a lot tongue-tied and bereft of ideas. Maybe, the acute social anxiety (I have, always, called it ‘Inferiority Complex’), which had engulfed me as a young boy, has not fully divorced me. Like the famous funny-man Woody Allen, I, too, feel like shouting at the world out there, “Hello, I am not anti-social; I am only not social.”

So, in the evening, while returning after the training session at one of the Mumbai colleges, my three co-trainers kept hopping from one topic to another, endlessly… They giggled, teased and added and multiplied, while I hardly added a word here and a word there. My tongue was tied and my brain was drained. But, let me tell you this: I never felt bad about my condition… “It’s okay my friend,” I heard myself consoling me, “It’s okay.”

When our car rested for a few seconds at one of the signals, looking at the giant ‘OYO’ signboard outside a hotel, I instinctively asked my young associates, “What is this OYO?”

The young trainers were more than happy to enlighten me on how this venture called OYO (On Your Own) was started by one 18-year-old Ritesh Agarwal in 2013… how it works and how it’s, now, a billion-dollar business-venture…

“Really?” I explained, once again, “I did not know that!”

Well, I really do not know what my young associates thought about my plight, But, I know what I did: “It’s okay my friend… You need not know everything along the streets!”

Ironically, my topic of training in the college was - ‘Self-confidence and Communication Skills’. For a boy, who was, once, gripped with a killing social-anxiety, the very feeling - that he has been tirelessly helping young kids to be confident in life – yes, this feeling is very, very, very fulfilling!

It’s okay to be imperfect… It’s okay to be innocent and ignorant of so many things in life. For, I think, learning to accept our imperfections and making peace with our limitations is the highest form of self-confidence in life… In fact, to me, that’s an honourable living!

During the training session, yesterday, a young girl had shared with us her plight: “Sir, I have great amount of social anxiety.”

Was I ‘informed’ and ‘enlightened’ enough to help this young girl?

I do not know what the world would think about it; but, I know what I think about it: ‘Yes, I was.”

GERLAD D’CUNHA

Pic.: Rekha Srikar Shenoy