Gerald D'Cunha

  “Something opens our wings. Something makes boredom and hurt disappear. Someone fills the cup in front of us: We taste only sacredness.” Rumi   I t’s tough to please everyone. In fact, when we recognize the tendency in us to please everyone around us – with the hope of making them happy – we, often, sense the stress in us. It’s an unnecessary weight – self-inflicted. In this Post, let me confine myself to that innate need in us to do good to people around us. Sounds familiar? We are humans… social beings. We have our near and dear ones. So, we tend to stretch ourselves – go beyond our bounds – to help others, do good to others… And, I do not have to say this: that’s what we are expected to do in our relationships… Here comes the hard question: Are we, also, ‘expected to expect’ appreciation and gratitude from those who we reach out? Do we expect these from them? A t this moment, if my heart is feeling sad, hurt or let down, perhaps, I have been silent...

T he auto rickshaw in which I was returning home, last evening, was caught up in a bad traffic. The driver was an aged man with slow reflexes. At one point, our auto mildly kissed the auto in front when the traffic had come to a halt. The young driver of the auto in front, got off, checked if any damage had happened (not even a scratch except the mild sound that the something had touched his auto from behind) and, started abusing the elderly auto-driver. Our driver calmly explained to him saying that the ‘touching’ was not intentional and, hence, no fuss had to be made about it… But, the young autowala was still furious… By now, the honking from behind had turned incessant… A hefty man on a motorbike, finally, got the young autowala drop the issue and move on… Here, our autowala continued to murmur saying that the young driver was a Smart Alec simply trying to make a mountain out of mole hill through his drama in public… All this while, I did not get provoked… And,...

Pic.: Manjeet Singh Kukreja E very ritual has significance, a meaning. But, most of the times, we just perform the rituals mechanically. Whether we are Hindus, Muslims, Christians, Sikhs or whoever, we do tend to follow many of our rituals blindly. Late last night, I had joined many of our Society members for Holi Dahan – the Holi bonfire.  Men and women, the old and the young were gracefully going around the bonfire… As I was going around the fire along with them, a thought passed through me: “What must I pray in my heart as I take each trip around the Holi fire?” The answer was right there waiting… The faces of some of my tormentors flashed through my mind… the hurt, the pain, the anger… the fear and the helplessness… Yes, all these began to well-up inside… And, my heart was prompting me to pray: “Cast your hurt, pain, anger, fear and helplessness in the Holi bonfire… Do it now, do it fully, willingly and unconditionally.” I did it, instantly! ...

Pic.: Neerja Panchal A line keeps playing in my heart repeatedly today: “Hey, i f I knew I would hurt you, I wouldn’t.” And, the more I hear that, the more I get convinced, that when I hurt someone, I am doing it in my ignorance. Please, please, please believe me: I am not justifying my ‘act’, here! So, what Jesus said from His cross as he was dying in pain was so true: “Father, forgive them; for, they do not know what they are doing.” If Jesus’ tormentors ‘knew’ what they were doing, they would not have done that… would not have humiliated, tortured and hanged Him the way they did. The greatest pain in life is the pain of not being healed of the deep wounds caused by our ‘perceived’ tormentors… This pain comes from our inability to find enough grace in our hearts to ‘understand’ that our tormentor has inflicted the pain in us in his ignorance. And, because we aren’t able to arrive at this deep understanding...

Today morning, I was supposed to start a new chapter for a group of students. I wanted all of them to be present for the first lecture, as, without the basics, they would find it difficult to cope with it later.  “Come what may, don’t miss the initial few lectures,” I, always, make a great deal of fuss.  Mostly, my fuss pays… My students don’t miss… And, whenever some of them do, I get irritated and angry.  Today, in spite of repeated reminders, over last three days – including personal phone calls – a young girl was absent.  Strangely, I had already decided, right at the start of the day, today, that, come what may – I would not allow any student to affect my peace of mind. Yes, even if all of them remained absent, too! It was a clear call I had made in my heart – all consciously, joyfully and with no ill-will or judgment. No, I wasn’t making this choice with suppressing my complaint, my feelings… I...

When another person has hurt me in the past, he has hurt me in the past!  What causes pain in my heart, even now, is my unwillingness to forgive him! Who is supposed to heal my wounds? The other person?  He never comes… as long as I like to hold on to my past! When I am stuck in the past, it is difficult to notice the other person who has come to reconcile, mend, heal… And, even if the other person has not come forward to reconcile, mend relationship and heal my wounds, it is still in my own hands as to how to deal with the situation: I can wait for years on, for the other person to come and heal me… or, I can heal, right now, my own wounds. The other person, always, operates from his level of awareness, at the given point of time… as I myself do from mine. When I cause him hurt, I do it from my own state of ignorance. If I knew I was hurting another person, I would have abstained from doing so.  Now, the person, who...

Someone had referred this young man to me. So, he came a month ago to seek my help in the three accounts subjects of T.Y. B’Com. He had failed in all three of them in the latest exams. Now, he was here with me seeking my help.  I took him in.  As I started teaching him over the days, I realized that he deeply disliked the subjects which he was learning from me. He wasn’t showing any enthusiasm, skipped the homework regularly with one excuse or another… and, when I became strict, he would skip the class the following day. Talking to his parents turned a futile exercise… as the young man seemed to detest their attempts to change him even further. So, it was high time I taught him something else before he learnt from me ‘accounts’! I changed gears, immediately. I started talking to him on a heart-to-heart level. Earlier, when I had made several attempt to drill in his head the ‘reminder’ that he had ‘failed’ and ‘...

We don't do it with outsiders. We do it - and do it again and again - with our own spouses. In our relationships ... the most significant area of our life. We know, where the shoe hurts our partners the most. Because, we have come so close to each other. No one else knows the place, no one else knows what would make us break down - cry, depressed, go crazy, even angry and violent ... except our partners. And, when we shouldn't do it - we do it. We say something, do something - which we know our partners cannot handle, towards which they are vulnerable - and hurt them. We know where it hurts the most for him, or her, and cause that hurt. Today, this simple thought came to me: Do I know these areas where my wife gets hurt the most? Do I hurt her, consciously, again and again ... by those words and actions? Do I sincerely apologise when I hurt her? Do I make my promise - to be more careful and caring next time? How important is our relationship to me, its quality? Which are those ...