KANE AND ABEL

I am in touch with two of the strongest urges within me. Let me call them desires.

The first one is the desire to be ‘right’.

The other one is the desire to be ‘peaceful’.

Interestingly, everything I do in my life – yes, each and every activity – assumes its intensity, direction, passion, proactive or reactive nature from these two desires within me.

The desire to prove myself right is there almost every time. I am in touch with its consequences. Though, on the surface, it appears to be a great motivating force that drives me to perform, fight, and stick on… it is the root cause of a lot of stress in my life. 

It is when stress takes a toll on me, I realize that my actions are predominantly driven my desire to prove myself right. I realize that I am driven by my ego… I am obsessed with the social image: “What other people would think about me?”

So, I don’t give up. I argue. I fight. And, because this desire to prove myself right stems from my ego, my need to be held high in the eyes of others – I really do not care to what extent I go to achieve this goal. Often, at the cost of my health; often, at he cost of my family’s well-being… Often, at the cost of losing relationships. Yes, I pursue this objective wearing the blinders. Till the damage is done… irreversibly so.

All this, because, I did not agree with some one. I did not want to lose. I did not like the criticism or offense. I did not like the face of the other person. So, I decided to prove him wrong… and prove myself right. 

Did I succeed?

Will I, ever?

The other desire, too, is there every time. It stems from the quiet knowledge that my pursuit of proving myself right before the world is futile. It is a losing battle… and, I will never ever be able to win it. And, even if I win, the victory is not worth it. Yes, it comes from the heart’s innate yearning to be simple, uncomplicated and serene. The heart knows that, in the end, what matters is the quiet simplicity… the bliss of being integrated to what I deeply believe in. 

The social image is not at all the concern of the deepest yearnings of my heart.

Serenity quietly resides 

at the very base 

of my burning ego.

 

I need to prove none… and, I need to prove nothing!

I need to be at rest. Peaceful.

  

So, I am constantly in touch with these two urges – two desires – in my soul. Like Kane and Abel, they have pitched their tents here… in my soul.

I seriously think, that is what they call the Hell and the Heaven…

Yes, all here… right on this very earth… 

Nay, right here… in my soul!

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pics.: Lionel Saldahna