"YOU FOOL, DID I EVER TELL YOU NOT TO HISS?"

Pic.: Rajiv Sharma

“We are injured and hurt emotionally, not so much

by other people or what they say and don’t say,

but by our own attitude and our own response.”

– Maxwell Maltz

Kapil* is a wonderful person – very respectful, warm and soft-spoken. After completing his studies in Engineering, he did an MBA from a reputed institute and started working. Presently, he is working with an IT giant, his second company since he started working.

Incidentally, Kapil had done a two-month PD course with us during his Engineering- college days, and, had loved it immensely. But, then, his predominantly soft-spoken-and- mild nature has been causing some trouble for him at his workplace. Last night, he had come to me to discuss about it.

Yes, Kapil has problem in asserting himself at his workplace. As a team head, it is the basic requirement, and he needs to exhibit it badly. Because he is mild and non-assertive, his subordinates do not take him seriously and, even, make fun of him... Just the way students do to a non-assertive teacher in their class. Initially, being a faithful and respectful soul, Kapil found support and protection from his bosses. But, as he is unable to assert himself and show the needed spine, there is pressure on him from his bosses, now. Understandably, Kapil is anxious, and wants to do something about it. “I had seen in my school and college, the Principals never coming to the rescue of bullied teachers,” last night, Kapil told me, “I am sure, my bosses would never shield me permanently.”

“Why should they?” I conveyed my feelings gently to Kapil, “You have to shield yourself.”

The worst thing some of us do to ourselves is being nice to others at the cost of our own well-being. We need a healthy self-esteem in order to love and care for our own well-being first. It is from this, that we can love and care for others. Learning to be assertive in life, therefore, is the most valuable lesson in life... In fact, it should start early. It should start from our daily little things... The more and more we show assertive behavior, the healthier becomes our self-esteem. Again and again, we need to remember on our way to healthy self-esteem: “I respect your rights; and you respect mine. I will never say ‘Yes’ when I want to say ‘No’.”

That’s enough to show enough love, care and respect to our own selves!

Many years ago, during our Workshop on ‘Assertiveness’, Kapil had heard this popular story. Evidently, he had forgotten it. So, I told him the story, all over again.

THE COBRA’S PROMISE

Once, there lived a Swamiji in a village temple. People from the village came there to pray. On the way to this temple, there was a large banyan tree, under which, in a hole, lived a cobra, peacefully.

One evening, while the children were playing around the tree, one of them stamped on the snake-hole. The cobra, in his self-defense, attacked the child. The poison quickly spread in child’s body and he died.

A panic spread through the village. “A poisonous cobra lives on the way to temple... He attacks every one,” people started spreading the rumor across the village. Soon, they stopped venturing out of their houses, and the temple looked deserted.

The worried Swamiji went out into the village to find out as to why no one visited the temple. When people explained to him what had happened, he went to talk to the cobra. He was a holy-man and was blessed with the power to talk to animals and snakes. So, on reaching the spot, he asked the cobra, “My friend, why did you kill that child? People are, now, sacred to come out of their houses... Promise me, that you won’t bite anyone, anymore.”

The faithful cobra, with great respect to the holy-man, immediately gave the promise.

Now, the word went around in the village saying that the Swamiji, with his power, had taken away the poison from the cobra and turned the snake docile... That, the creature was now helpless and harmless...

So, one by one, the people from the village came out of their houses... and went about their routine work. When they came near the tree, they saw the cobra lying there, coiled up... looking defeated. Some teased him, some abused him, some spat on him and some kicked him. Some children held him by his tail and dragged him all around... and, some tossed him in the air... But, in spite of all this, the cobra did not react. He kept his promise...

Some days later, when Swamiji was passing by the tree, he saw the cobra in a horrible condition. “What have you done to yourself, my friend?” he asked in disbelief.

“Sir, you had asked me not to bite,” the battered and bruised snake complained to the holy-man, “now look, what they have done to me!”

‘You fool, yes, I did tell you not to bite,” the Swamiji screamed at the cobra angrily, “But, did I ever tell you not to hiss?”

True. During our ‘Assertiveness’ sessions, we do remind all our Kapils not to stamp on others’ rights – their snake-holes - purposely... But, we, also, remind them, with the cobra story, as to what happens if they forget to ‘hiss’ when others abuse our rights!

* The name is changed

GERALD D’CUNHA