FROM BEING 'SELF-CONSCIOUS' TO BEING 'CONSCIOUS'






Pic.:Shankar Ramachandran


A 14-year-old girl was on stage. “What makes me happy?” was the spontaneous topic we had chosen for the day. I had watched this girl on stage, during our sessions in the past years… She was a teenager now, and, I saw the self-consciousness telling it on her body… Her hands shivered, legs moved awkwardly, eyes blurred and voice cracked…  

“Don’t worry beta about what is happening to you,” I encouraged the young-one, “just feel your fear fully… It will die.”

I could see an immediate denial, “Sir I am not frightened.” She did not tell me that; but, from my own expereicne, I could read her heart…

“Beta, when you used to go on stage a few years ago, you would do it so naturally, so fearlessly… and, now, when you are a teenager, you tend to become a lot ‘self-conscious’… That’s a natural growing-up process. Don’t worry.”

The girl seemed more relaxed now… “Thank God, I am normal!”

“I did not say, you become ‘conscious’… I said, you become ‘self-conscious’,” I told the class, “Do you know the difference?”

They did not…

“When you are self-conscious, you become judgmental, critical… self-critical,” I explained, “You make stories in your mind… most of them are ‘pure fiction’… You keep hammering yourself with self-criticism, comparison and pass through the mental torture.”

I could feel the realization on those tender faces…

“On the other hand, when you are ‘conscious’, you simply ‘see’ your condition – simply observe what is happening inside you and outside you…yes, without judging, without making any stories… You simply see, simply observe your condition… the reality that you are frightening… you see your shivering hands, your unsteady and awkward legs… your blurred vision, your cracking voice and pounding heart… Yes, you simply see, and, with that, simply smile… You feel light, relived, free and yes, peaceful.”

“So, beta, do not deny, do not hide what is ‘there’ inside you, before you,” I continued, “If you feel scared, see the truth that you are scared… If you feel angry, see the truth that you are angry… If you feel jealous, see the truth that you are feeling jealous… If you feel guilty, see the truth that you are feeling guilty… That’s all it takes to be free and peaceful… You do not have to do anything. Awareness is action… It is meditation. It is the best form of self-care… Start now, start living ‘consciously’… It will make you a strong person.”

Did this one – my morning sermon - flew ‘over’ our cuckoo’s head?

Hope, it flew ‘inside’!



GERALD D’CUNHA

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