THE PARADOX OF LETTING GO AND FREEDOM

Pic.: Nishtha Narryani

The bright lights of the city are a pretty sight to see
Perhaps they're extra pretty to a country girl like me
Temptation waits at every turn and it won't let me be
So mama when you pray tonight
Say a special prayer for me

- from Dolly Parton’s song – ‘Mama, say a special prayer for me’.

My last Post, 'The Greatest Certificate', has struck an inner chord in many young-ones and parents. We continued with the discussion even in today’s PD session. Many came forward to share with us the troubles they had landed up in while they were out late with their friends… Almost all incidents of trouble involved their friends. And, yes, because, here in our session, we had facilitated a healthy discussion – without judging them, criticizing or condemning them… and, as each one realized that it was okay to make such mistakes as long as we learnt from them and came out stronger and wiser, yes, it helped all our young boys and girls to open up, share their sweet-bitter stories with us…

“It heals you when you open up and see others do not condemn you,” I would remind them, “Share only if you are comfortable and feel it helps the process of getting healed… light and peaceful.”

To me, it was a healing process, too. I was able to see it, both, as a young-man like them once… and, as a father of a 22-year-old son. Nobody had prepared me to grow-up as a young-man, nor had anyone prepared me to grow up as a parent… Yes, I had to pick up things, here and there, along… find out what worked and what didn't… I had to make mistakes and learn, realign constantly…

“For more than 90% of its journey, an airplane is off-course,” I shared with our young-ones, today, the very opening lines from Stephen Covey’s famous classic – ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’. Covey, had given this amazing analogy to us to conclude, that we need to know that life is all about realigning ourselves ‘to our course’… Yes, as he famously said, “Life is all about coming home!”

I shared, once again, the ageless Biblical parable of ‘The Prodigal Son’… “If you realize your mistakes, if you are humble and willing to learn, realign, there is always a ‘another chance’,” I told them. “Learn to forgive yourself and forgive others… Give yourself another chance… and give others, too.” Yes, I played for them the moving scene and song from ‘3-Idiots’ -‘Give me another chance’…

After the session, I found this note in my in-box. It was from a dear old student and friend, Saloni*, who lives in the US. Thought I would share with you…

Dear Gerry, I was reminded of my own experiences being a young adult and now as a parent of two teenagers when I read your post "The Greatest Certificate"!

During college days and while I worked before getting married, I was almost always irritated that my dad would insist of calling him and keeping him informed if I was going to come home at a later time than normal days. Too often, as I would come home in an auto rickshaw even at 8:30pm, he would be waiting outside our colony (despite informing him) with an anxiety ridden face! Now with my own teenagers expanding their boundaries, I fully understand the concerns my dad had when I was growing up (Yes...even 21-years-old is still growing-up age for a parent). My husband and I are hoping that we are teaching our boys that with freedom comes great responsibility. Also we impress on them to always be willing to negotiate with us when they are "expanding boundaries”. And, no matter what, to be honest about why they stayed out past the curfew time or even if they violated other rules we had...it’s important for us that they are honest and we can talk about lessons learnt!

A recent experience comes to mind. Our 16-year-old volunteered for a week-long music event during the day in March that earned him a free pass to attend the late night concerts. He negotiated with us to extend the night curfew-time of being home by 11 to 12:30 as these concerts only started at 11 pm. He informed us who he was going with and also was going to ride the rail instead of driving (safer option). So, we were ok. But every night, he would call close to midnight and tell us that the concert started late and to expect him home only around 2 pm. My husband got upset the first day, but I reminded him that the important thing to focus on is that our son was keeping us in the loop and informed. When the week was over, we talked to our son and gave him some input on how we felt good about being informed and that allowed us to trust him more. 

Not all experiences may be the same… but, so far, we have felt challenged with this need for independence by our teenagers. Yes, we have managed to handle it in a way that they don't feel controlled, yet we feel we can keep them safe. Especially when my son started driving, my one big advise to him was "Please don’t ever drink - at least until you are 21. Never drink and drive or let your friends drink and drive. If you do end up having a drink, as disappointed as I will be that you made a choice to drink, I would still want you to call me and ask me to come, pick u up… But, just don’t drive if you had a drink"!

When Saloni was 19 - that was twenty-five years ago - she would come to me as a college student… She hailed from a very conservative Tamilian family. So, I could imagine the plight of her parents when she migrated to the big, bold country - America!

“Life is all about letting go, my sweethearts,” I also told my young students, this morning. Most of them had watched the movie ‘Dil Chahta Hai’. I asked them if they remembered the scene where a friend explains to another the great paradox of letting go and freedom by holding a fistful of sand. “The moment I tighten my fist, the sand slips… So, learn not to hold it tight!”

Incidentally, as I began to write this Post, one of my favorite Country-music collections was being played in the background… Dolly Parton’s decades-old song – ‘So mama when you pray tonight, say a special prayer for me.” Here I dedicate this song, for all parents and their young-ones…

Just enjoy… Just feel touched, healed…

*Name changed

GERALD D’CUNHA

Video coutesy: YouTube