THE PLANK-WALKING

Pic.; Aparna Khanolkar Sheth

While Kannan was paying, yesterday, his monthly fees to our Tai Chi teacher, I couldn’t resist from asking our teacher a question, which I have been wanting to ask him for a long time: “Sir, how do you remember who has paid you and who hasn’t?”

Our teacher never ever bothered to remind us about the fees… We paid on any date we liked… and, he accepted it, gracefully, without noting down anywhere…

Our teacher only smiled… and, that, I knew, was the answer!

But, then, I had one more question, which I had been holding back for quite some time. “Sir, how come the ‘number’ doesn’t affect you?”

“The number?” the teacher wanted to know what I meant by it.

“Sir, I have watched you conduct the class with equal poise, focus and commitment whether, on a particular Sunday, we are four or forty in number… I have never heard you complain about it… Many of them, who you help with such attention, do not turn up after a session or two… I have, always, marveled how come you remained untouched by the erratic attendance or the decline in number of students!”

Again, a smile of our teacher was answering my question. He was sure, that we all knew the answer!

I continued, “After decades of teaching and getting myself ‘established’ in my field, in every class, when I see some students absent, my mind gets affected… One reason is, that if they miss, particularly the basics, they will find it difficult to cope up… It may derail the rhythm of the class, affect the discipline… I may lose the control over my class and all that. But, the deeper reason is, that somewhere in my subconscious mind, I am afraid of losing my students – the number – I am afraid of the ‘fall’. Yes, the fear of failure… So, there is this deeply-rooted anxiety, fear of the unknown and the insecurity playing on my head, which, eventually, affects my poise…”

Kannan joined. “It is called ‘the plank-walking’,” he explained in his own inimitable way, “You place the plank at a height of four feet and attempt to walk over it; you know, that even if you fall, you won’t be hurt, you will survive the fall… Then, you keep increasing the height… ten feet, twenty feet, thirty feet and forty feet… Your fear of fall only increases… From forty feet, it is really scary… You are anxious, worried. Now, if you attempt the plank-walking in a childlike manner, with a great deal of playfulness in your heart… you will enjoy the process of plank-walking… You will remain detached to the height, the number-game… Fear lies in our attachment to the outcome… We are most anxious and insecure when we try to ‘manipulate’ the outcome of our efforts.”

In Mumbai, some thirty-six years ago, when I had started it all, I had no job or money in hand. Leave alone my name and reputation and leave alone these ‘assets’ I am supposedly ‘owning’ now. I was hungry and I wanted money badly to pay for my lodging and boarding. And, yet, when I had decided to go house-to-house knocking the doors and ‘sell myself as a teacher’, I was most fearless. I had the greatest hope about my future… even when I did not have a single student in hand… When they asked about the fees, I had the most fearless answer, “Sir/ma/am, don’t bother about the fees!”… And, when I went about my quest for success with such faith and childlike curiosity, things simply got connected, and, yes, the whole Universe conspired to work in my favor…

The plank-walking was fun, a joy… at four feet!

What happened at forty?

My Tai Chi teacher is smiling… Kannan is the witness!

GERALD D’CUNHA