MAKING PEACE WITH ONE'S FATHER ON THE EVE OF 'FATHER'S DAY'
There are three reasons
why I write (rather re-share) this Post, today.
First reason: Tomorrow,
18th June, will be a ‘Father’s Day’.
The second reason: A
young girl, who is a niece of my dear friend and who is all set to walk into a
college, had been having a turbulent relationship with her father right since
she was a little baby. The problems stemmed from the marital trouble between
the parents and the little girl was caught in the whirlpool… As she grew up,
this girl harboured a great deal of hatred for her father… For years, the
mother and daughter lived separately and then again went back to live with the
man… The wounds haven’t healed yet… The girl hasn’t accepted her father in her
heart… It is a huge burden to carry for a 15-year-old and… It has torn her
internally. When this young girl had come to see me accompanied by my friend,
her aunt, I listened to her with loads of compassion. I knew how important it was for
her to make peace with her father… starting internally. She was a young adult
now, and she was capable of knowing the consequences of carrying a heavy load
in her heart… She had to view her father through different lenses now… and I
did tell her that…
It was ten days
ago. I hope, the young girl will remember my advice tomorrow… on ‘Father’s Day’…
The third reason is
even more compelling: My friend, Sundar, who had joined my dear friend, Pooja,
to create this Post on 9th March, 2017 – the day after the ‘Women’s
Day’ – yes, my dear friend Sundar succumbed to a massive heart attack some days
ago! “Life is too short… It is unpredictable… Make peace before it is too late!”…
I hear Sundar’s often-repeated counsel to me…
So, here is the
Post published by me (on 9th March, 2017) following ‘International Women’s
Day’… It perfectly fits the ‘Father’s Day, too…
WHY I BROUGHT MY FATHER
IN THE MIDDLE OF MY NAME
In response to my last
post on ‘Women’s Day’, Pooja, one of my dear friends, shared her story with me.
“Sir, I strongly felt that I must share it with you,” she wrote, “If you think
it is worth sharing with your readers, please feel free to do so.”
Yes, I immediately
felt that the story deserved to be shared.
Just this Sunday, I
had been to my friend Sundar’s place. “I want you to approach fear and
confidence from a different perspective,” Sundar said in the course of our
discussion. Being spiritually anchored, he described to me a simple ‘Sadhana’ –
a spiritual exercise… which involved sitting quietly and remembering and
showing deep, sincere reverence to our parents mentally before we evoke the
name of the deity we worshiped. Sundar had told me, in several occasions, the
importance of making peace with our parents… and, how central that peace was
for the flow of abundance in our lives… including that of wealth, health, and
love through all other relationships… He had shared with me his own story… how
resentful he was, for years, after his father’s untimely death… How everything
had changed once he made peace with that reality.
So, the moment I
read Pooja’s story, I spoke to Sundar. I said, “Sundar, please read this story,
and add your own bit to it.”
In less than 15
minutes or so, I had the ‘bit’ from Sundar…
Hope, it will
inspire peace in our hearts…
From POOJA
Today is
‘International Women’s Day’… What it means to me?
Since yesterday,
the wishes have been pouring in; and then came the office mail to all the women
on ‘Pink’ as the dress-code for 8th of March. Finally, the HR
walked in to inform me, that I had been selected in office to inspire other
women of my journey as an achiever!
I pondered over the
hoopla and asked myself the question: What does this day mean to me? Have I
really ever thought of my journey so far, or am I just an ‘ordinary girl’ (pun
intended) that went with the flow?
My journey,
actually, started just a couple of days ago when the first thing I did was to
add my father’s name in the middle of my name. I lost my father when I was two.
He died of cancer. My younger sister, Neetu, was barely a year old! So, close
to four long decades, I didn’t know what my dad was like… Would he have been a
loving and doting father or a strict disciplinarian or this or that?
It’s different (not
difficult) to be raised as a single-parent child. Your attitude towards
seeing at things changes. I, always, thought that my achievements were
attributed to my strong, dedicated and supportive mother (sometimes a
dictator!) and my sincerity of course. I thought, my father had no role to play
in what I was. Today, I am a Chartered Accountant, with an MBA in Finance from
Germany; professionally, I am doing very well as head of finance. My younger
sister, Neetu, became India’s youngest commercial pilot at the age of 19, and,
presently, well-settled in Australia. All this was possible because of my mom’s
determination to make us strong, independent girls in life. We were never made
to feel the absence of our dad… She tried to shield us from that pain. So much
so, for me, people who used to put father’s name in the middle were either weak
or living in the medieval period… while I belonged to the modern world!
But, lately, I
began to feel something was amiss… I could sense the anxiety writ large on my
mom’s face: “Pooja, you are forty… still single… what will happen to you after
I go?” Yes, I could sense this mother’s helplessness, which suddenly made me
feel weak… I needed strength... I began to feel the absence of my father
acutely, now!
Then, some days
ago, I happened to come across an article in a leading newspaper which
summarized that those who wrote their father’s name along with theirs actually
drew strength to face the hardships of day-to-day grind. I suddenly felt this
urge in my heart to experience it – but, in the rush of this cosmopolitan
living, I casually forgot to make this small change in my name! A few days
later, while driving to my office in the morning, I heard this song of
‘Dostana’ movie on radio: “When you smile for me, the world seems
alright.” Believe me, I was trying to build connect with my dad!
That very day, I
brought my dad in the middle of my name… Pooja ASHOK Gupta!
Yes, I feel a new
strength now… I can feel the flow of a fresh abundance… It is so peaceful there
inside!
I am sure, seeing
me strong and peaceful, here in this world, my dad must be smiling up there in
heaven. I am truly my dad’s l’le woman. I, particularly, feel so today…
on this ‘International Women’s Day’…
It took four
long decades to do so… But, I have no regrets!
From SUNDAR
Taking this
“Divinely” inspired happening further, there are schools of thought in Indian
spirituality, which lay great emphasis on the relationship with one’s parents.
Since we come through them, they are our links to the unseen universe.
Irrespective of who they are or how they are we have no right to judge them for
all judgment is subjective. In functional domains, relationship with one’s
mother has a direct impact on career prospects whereas relationship with one’s
father is linked to magnetizing wealth in one’s life.
One common
observance is that given an equal set of skills, a person with a better
relationship with his/her parents achieves greater success. Dr. Wayne Dyer
talks of an episode in his life when he was a failure in all aspects of his
life. His career was in doldrums, his first marriage had collapsed. It was at
this stage of his life that he met a young spiritual master from India. This
master is inferred to be Nisargadatta. Nisargadatta told him to go and set
right his relationship with his father. It was just a random bit of advice.
The problem was
Dyer’s father had deserted his mom during Dyer’s birth. Dyer had never seen
him. He carried in him a load of hatred for his unseen father. But, something
in the young master’s eyes told him to just do it. So, he went to his father’s
town, only to learn that his father was long dead. But again, the master’s
words prodded him. He found the grave where his father was buried and sat at his
father’s grave the whole night, conversing with him. He told his father that he
did not know why he deserted him and his mom at his birth, but there must be
some reason. He forgave him whole heartedly and sought his unconditional
forgiveness and blessings.
And when he came
back, everything changed for him, he became the world-renowned Wayne Dyer of
today. He remarried and had a happy family.
Most of us judge
our parents. It blocks our life journey, be it material or spiritual. This
relationship is the greatest resource of our lives. Another aspect of this
relationship is that it is fundamental to other relationships in our lives. Our
relationship with our mom is subtly reflected in patterns that occur with other
women in our lives, including our spouses. The same is the case with our father
and other men in our lives.
Nothing is more
important in our life-journey than the relationship with our parents. Healing
in this space opens the gateway to a lot of success and joy in our lives.
(Note: Dyer’s story is a very well-known episode.
However, it has spread through word of mouth. For its most authentic version,
Dyer is reported to have shared this experience in his 8 video series.)
GERALD D’CUNHA
Pic.: Indu Varier
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