WHEN I SEE MY OWN SINS, I SEE NO SINNER IN THIS WORLD

Self-importance and Self-respect are different - as different as chalk and cheese. Self-respect is healthy; self-importance is not.

I think, all of us have this chalk-and-cheese stuff tucked inside us. If self-respect outweighs self-importance, it’s good for us, as well as for people around us. On the other hand, if our self-importance outweighs our self-respect, it’s bad for all of us.

Often, we fail to recognize if a certain behavior of ours stems from our self-respect or self-importance. In that lies a lot of our misery, too…

Let me not talk about others. I am nobody – in fact, too mortal a soul – to judge others. I am aware how frequently I throw my weight in my class room… when I use my temper and tantrum, when I am driven by impatience, when I act with intolerance. It, certainly, can’t be coming from my self-respect. It’s coming from my deep sense of insecurity, the area I haven’t still worked on fully; rather, I haven’t completely gotten over. That’s why, too often, I find myself triggered off by a slight provocation from my students… I get into a track which, later, I regret I should not have gotten into.

To me, any action or word or behaviour of mine that leaves a bad taste in your mouth and leaves my conscience pricking, is something born out of my self-importance… the misplaced sense of my self-respect. It’s Ego.

Two days ago, I got into such a track while talking to one of the parents. Luckily, half-way through our conversation, I sensed the bad taste in my mouth and could feel the pricking of my conscience. I quickly said to the young mother, “Ma’am, let’s drop the issue here; else, we may end up hurting each other.”

And, we quit. But, the woman had already pointed, “But, Sir, I do not understand, why you have to take it so personally.”

And, the woman was right. But, when she said that, my sense of self-importance did not give me the grace of admitting what she said. I remember John Ruskin’s words: “A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small parcel.” 

There is this video doing rounds. Mrs. Nirmala Sitharaman, the Defense Minister of our country seems very miffed and angry… And, she makes no bones about it… Her anger, annoyance, and I-don’t-care-what-the world-will-think attitude is out in the open for all of us to see… Yes, no matter what you and I say in supporting or condemning her behaviour, at the end of the day, it has left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth… There was a mature and magnanimous way to go about. But, then, that one moment of decision – you either walk into the self-respect lane or the self-importance lane…

This video doesn’t make me take sides… I am a mortal, so full of my own follies, that, I find myself seeing through a clear mirror my own dark spots!

Just this morning, while I was waiting for the lift to come down in my building, I had a chance to choose one of the two lanes. I was returning from my Tai Chi session… It was one of the most effective sessions, today… On my way, I had picked some stuff for the home and I was carrying that in a bag. Someone had kept the collapsible door of the lift open on the fourth floor. That’s my floor… Just then, one of the house-keeping ladies stood next to me. She had a small bucket, half filled with cleaning agent and the mopping sick… “Namaste saab,” she greeted me.

“Namaste mousi,” I responded with a warm smile.

“Someone has not closed the lift-door on my floor,” I said to mousi and started climbing the stairs.

“Zara baga (just look),” I heard mousi saying.

Once I landed on my floor, I closed the lift-door, and the problem was solved.

Did I lose a single hair on my head?

On the contrary, I gained tons of self-respect in my heart, Sir!

But, as I said, that fraction of a second…when, either you or I choose one of the two lanes, and, with that, the consequences of that choice!

An hour ago, I was watching one more video. ‘India Today, India Tomorrow’, the episode in which Karan Thapar interviews legendary Milkha Singh and his golf-champion son, Jeev Singh. While discussing Milkha’s autobiography, ‘The Race of My Life’, and the film, ‘Bhaag Milkha Bhaag’, where we get to know about the grey side of the Legend’s life… yes, during this discussion, Milkha Singh quotes an Urdu saying: “Jab daali maine apne gunaho pe nazar, duniya mein muje koi gunegaar nahin laga.”

That’s how I, too, feel… When I see my own sins, I see no sinner in this world!

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pic.: Free Press Journal

Videos: YouTube