WHEN THE BLAME-GAME ENDS
He claims: "Something is wrong with her."
She claims: "Something is wrong with him."
They both want some one to 'fix' their partner.
"Why do you want me for that?" their counselor yells at them. "A carpenter can do it for you."
Today, Suchitra spent at least an hour in my office talking about her 'problem': Her husband.
He smokes. He drinks. He spends a lot of time with his friends, and less with her. He hardly talks with her. He listens more to his mother and sisters and hardly to her. He doesn't want her to talk much to her own parents. He doesn't bring her gifts. He doesn't take her out. He gives only Rs. 500 every month as pocket money. Their first baby girl is born, and she thinks he will be irresponsible.
And, obviously, Suchitra doesn't like any of them. She has kept telling him about that, and he doesn't listen.
She has gone crazy, mad.
"I can't live with that guy, unless he changes," Suchitra announces. "He has no respect for my feelings ... It is like living with a stranger, who doesn't' care."
"So, what have you decided?"
"I want my daughter's life to be secure. I want to open an account and start depositing small amounts for her future ... and, I don't want that fellow to know about it."
"Why?"
"Because, he will blow that money, too. All that they know is 'Kao, piyo aur maja karo ... Eat, drink and make merry."
"How much do you want to save every month?"
"Maybe, two or three hundred."
"And, you think your daughter's future will be secure; don't you?"
"She is just a little baby; if I start now, money will grow substantially when she will be ready for her marriage."
"And, what if she gets a 'fellow' like her father?"
Silence!
"What if, Suchitra?"
"I don't know."
"When did you last say something nice to your husband?"
Silence!
"Tell me, when?"
"I don't remember."
"And, something nasty?"
Silence!
"Don't remember?"
"All the time."
"And, you want him to change? Will you be able to see his 'little' changes ... if your mind is so obsessed about his flaws? Do you expect a comet to appear, the Heavens to announce, the earth to tremble ... when the change comes in him?"
"But, he should change."
"And, what about you, Suchitra? You don't have to?"
Silence!
"Okay, tell me this: What kind of relationship do you want, what kind of marriage, what kind of man? You define and visualise that first. Just like what kind of money you want after twenty years from now ... You decide, what YOU can do to achieve it. Yes, from your end. Take your little baby-steps towards this goal. Like, for a starter - be more tolerant, more patient; have faith, trust. Be generous is your compliments, and stingy in your criticism ... Make things that he likes to eat, say things that he likes to hear ... and, all the time, sincerely trusting in the process of your own change ..."
"But ..."
"But what? Which way is more empowering, less stressful? Is there is guarantee that by indulging in frequent showdowns, you can achieve your objective? If not, go this way ... Even if he doesn't change, you will not ruin your own soul - that's for sure."
Silence!
"No man has ever changed just because his wife had nagged him. Never. No man - even the worst of the species - likes to be reminded, over and over again, about his 'sins' by his wife. He has changed, if at all by any thing, in times of his own tenderness, when all his guards were down. When he was least defensive."
Silence!
"Suchitra, if you are really honest about it, if you truly, truly desire it, then you will find the necessary strength to make these little changes - these little deposits ... You will reach your destination."
Tears. Silence.
"Every one knows that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, at a time. What no one knows - rather, he fails to realise - is that with one step forward, if you take three steps backward ... it will take you to a land known as 'NOWHERE LAND'!"
More tears. More silence.
"Now, go in peace. The comet is looming large in the sky."
GERALD D'CUNHA
She claims: "Something is wrong with him."
They both want some one to 'fix' their partner.
"Why do you want me for that?" their counselor yells at them. "A carpenter can do it for you."
Today, Suchitra spent at least an hour in my office talking about her 'problem': Her husband.
He smokes. He drinks. He spends a lot of time with his friends, and less with her. He hardly talks with her. He listens more to his mother and sisters and hardly to her. He doesn't want her to talk much to her own parents. He doesn't bring her gifts. He doesn't take her out. He gives only Rs. 500 every month as pocket money. Their first baby girl is born, and she thinks he will be irresponsible.
And, obviously, Suchitra doesn't like any of them. She has kept telling him about that, and he doesn't listen.
She has gone crazy, mad.
"I can't live with that guy, unless he changes," Suchitra announces. "He has no respect for my feelings ... It is like living with a stranger, who doesn't' care."
"So, what have you decided?"
"I want my daughter's life to be secure. I want to open an account and start depositing small amounts for her future ... and, I don't want that fellow to know about it."
"Why?"
"Because, he will blow that money, too. All that they know is 'Kao, piyo aur maja karo ... Eat, drink and make merry."
"How much do you want to save every month?"
"Maybe, two or three hundred."
"And, you think your daughter's future will be secure; don't you?"
"She is just a little baby; if I start now, money will grow substantially when she will be ready for her marriage."
"And, what if she gets a 'fellow' like her father?"
Silence!
"What if, Suchitra?"
"I don't know."
"When did you last say something nice to your husband?"
Silence!
"Tell me, when?"
"I don't remember."
"And, something nasty?"
Silence!
"Don't remember?"
"All the time."
"And, you want him to change? Will you be able to see his 'little' changes ... if your mind is so obsessed about his flaws? Do you expect a comet to appear, the Heavens to announce, the earth to tremble ... when the change comes in him?"
"But, he should change."
"And, what about you, Suchitra? You don't have to?"
Silence!
"Okay, tell me this: What kind of relationship do you want, what kind of marriage, what kind of man? You define and visualise that first. Just like what kind of money you want after twenty years from now ... You decide, what YOU can do to achieve it. Yes, from your end. Take your little baby-steps towards this goal. Like, for a starter - be more tolerant, more patient; have faith, trust. Be generous is your compliments, and stingy in your criticism ... Make things that he likes to eat, say things that he likes to hear ... and, all the time, sincerely trusting in the process of your own change ..."
"But ..."
"But what? Which way is more empowering, less stressful? Is there is guarantee that by indulging in frequent showdowns, you can achieve your objective? If not, go this way ... Even if he doesn't change, you will not ruin your own soul - that's for sure."
Silence!
"No man has ever changed just because his wife had nagged him. Never. No man - even the worst of the species - likes to be reminded, over and over again, about his 'sins' by his wife. He has changed, if at all by any thing, in times of his own tenderness, when all his guards were down. When he was least defensive."
Silence!
"Suchitra, if you are really honest about it, if you truly, truly desire it, then you will find the necessary strength to make these little changes - these little deposits ... You will reach your destination."
Tears. Silence.
"Every one knows that the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, at a time. What no one knows - rather, he fails to realise - is that with one step forward, if you take three steps backward ... it will take you to a land known as 'NOWHERE LAND'!"
More tears. More silence.
"Now, go in peace. The comet is looming large in the sky."
GERALD D'CUNHA
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GERRY