THE GRIEF HAS TO BE EXPERIENCED FULLY

Today is one of my dear-old-student’s birthday. Her husband, too, was my student many years ago. Just a couple of days ago, she lost her father-in-law who was critically ill. I hadn’t sent my condolence to either of my students due to oversight and procrastination on my part. So, today, as I learnt about her birthday (through FB), I felt a bit guilty. Still, I managed to send this message in her inbox:

“Hi Sneya*, first of all, my deepest condolences. Do convey my feelings to Virat*. Meanwhile, do accept my b'day wishes too. Life is always this way... joy and sorrow. Let's be grateful and graceful. Tcre.”

Last night, my wife and I had paid a visit to express our condolences to one of our friends who had lost her dad last week. He was 72 and had been suffering from multiple complications – including diabetes, blood pressure and kidney issues. But, till he passed away, her dad was full of zest and a doting dad for his two children and a husband for his wife and father-in-laws for his son’s wife. Our friend, who was extremely close to her dad, was now a devastated soul. “He left at 72… He wanted to see my brother’s child, but left before that… “Our friend kept crying yesterday when we were with her for an hour.

One’s sorrow is always very personal. We, from outside, can console them, try to make them feel a little better with our words… but, at the end of the day, the grief has to be experienced fully by the grieving person. There is no way out of it. And, I think, that’s how it should be… Going through the grief is a very cleansing and spiritual process… when grateful and graceful thoughts come to reside through the process of grief, it leaves the grieving person much stronger and wiser in life. A lot compassionate, too.

Many are able to see their situation in proper perspective. One of the perspectives, that heals one faster, is to see one’s situation in the light of others’. When one sees that his/ her situation is much better than many others’ around him/her… yes, it helps bring in silence faster… Healing takes place, faster.

On the same day, when our friend’s dad had expired, another friend of mine had lost his wife. She was 52. She died as she was having her morning tea with her husband due to a sudden heart attack. She had no history of any major ailments leave alone cardiac related. My friend and his wife had planned their life so meticulously. He had a well-paying job in a multinational company. She had a high post in a government organization. Both had chosen to take voluntary retirement before they were 50. They had saved their funds well, which was being carefully managed by a team of fund managers. Their only daughter’s marriage was scheduled to be held in a couple of weeks… Grand reception venues had been booked… House was under renovation… As the newly-wed couple would proceed on their foreign honeymoon, my friend and his wife would proceed on a Europe tour. In fact, one of their desires was to travel together and spend time together as much as possible. So, ever since their voluntary retirement, the couple had travelled extensively within India…

But, that morning, the death came calling unannounced! Man proposes… God disposes… Yes, Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans!

Why did my friend's wife have to leave at 52, leaving her husband behind, alone at 52? Couldn’t she wait till her daughter’s marriage? Couldn’t she go after the European tour, one of their most cherished dreams?

Last night, I did describe this situation to our other friend. No, I did not want to undermine the grief of my friend who had lost her dad at 72 after multiple health complications… I just narrated this story to convey what I had conveyed to Sneha, this morning, while sending her the birthday wishes mixed with a condolence message:

“Hi Sneha*, first of all, my deepest condolences. Do convey my feelings to Virat*. Meanwhile, do accept my b'day wishes too. Life is always this way... joy and sorrow. Let's be grateful and graceful. Tcre.”

*Names changed

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pic.: Niyothi Lobo