BUT, WE WERE GENUINELY HAPPY

Pic.: Vincent D'Souza

I believe, that, to speak about fear, anxiety, worry, guilt, regret, insecurity, sorrow, anger, hatred, jealousy, revenge - add to this list any number of, the so-called, negative feelings in life - yes, I think, to speak about any of these, you must first experience them. In other words, they must be ‘there’… as a reality in your life.

That’s the one and only reason why I am able to write everyday on these feelings… They are very, very, very real to me… They dominate my consciousness… make me confused, make me scared, anxious, regretful, angry, sad… And, yes, yes, yes, I do not like their presence in me… What they do to me… Yes, yes, yes, I yearn my life to be free from them… I struggle, I grapple, I look up, throw my hands up and cry… “Oh No… Not again!” Or, simply, “OMG!”

Writing about my problems – and the negative feelings that weigh me down every day – is my way of liberating myself from them… It is just like taking a nice shower… the mess goes and I feel fresh… But, then, there they return again, and again and again… My problems!

And, all that I need to do is: Take a shower, again!

“Till there is Life, there is struggle” Amitabh Bachchan has found refuge – and peace - in this counsel of his illustrious father, Late Haivansh Rai Bachchan. “Jab tak jeevan hai, tab tak sangharsh hai!”

Yesterday, I was in the thick of my problems, struggle and confusion while writing my Post – ‘Mind Needs Constant Challenges’. After I wrote my heart out, I felt relived, freed… a lot good and peaceful. But, I know, that my life will never be free from my problems, struggle and confusion…

Which means, there is hope… that I can write about them beautifully!

“Life is beautiful”. I am sure, it is not just a movie name!

In response to my last Post on life and its problems, Abha, a dear friend of mine, wrote:

“Yes Gerry,  sharks will keep you on your toes; but, I am worried about the time when too many sharks will make you drowsy and tired .”

I smiled and replied:

“Abha ma'am, thanx. The Wise-men say, in such case, 'let go... And let god in". I am not a 'Wise-man', but this much I know: 'There is a time to hold on (fight back), and there is a time to let go (surrender). Ma'am, I think, that works. Love

Late at night, I saw this response from Samita*, another dear friend of mine, who has been living in the US with her wonderful family for close to two decades:

Hi Gerry, your post on life being a bumpy road was an interesting post (like all your posts are). To me, 2015 has been very bumpy with a lot of the “OMG" moments ... A couple of days ago, I had the " Oh no ... Not again" turmoil in my head.

I had heard this before, that you just embrace and welcome the challenges that life presents; but, when it takes such a huge toll emotionally, then, how does one keep focusing on the positive part of the experience?

My own challenges have been relating to my mom’s dementia**. Note, that the fact that she has dementia is sad, very sad; but that's not the challenge. I can embrace that. The challenges have been with us three siblings not able to agree on how to care for my mother here in the U.S. The "OMG" moments have been when one sibling in particular continues to handle the disagreement in what I consider "most immature" manner! Because, all this impacts my mother. It has been emotionally draining for me to step back and look at it as a "growth opportunity".

Any advice?

I don't consider myself a great writer.. Still, I hope, someday, I can write a memoir or some kind of a book to document my feelings and experience of the impact of leaving your country and moving to another with prosperity in mind, but the high price you pay in ways that you had not imagined! It impacts many generations starting with your parents when they get old. So many little losses that I have personally experienced and am grieving for…

I have a great husband and kids. So, I am thankful for that and try to focus on that. But, looking back, life seemed simpler and happier when my parents had very little to provide us with… but, we were genuinely happy!

Thanks for listening to me. Hope, you know, that it's not pity I am looking for… You understand ...

Thank you!

(**DEMENTIA: A chronic or persistent disorder of the mental processes caused by brain disease or injury and marked by memory disorders, personality changes, and impaired reasoning.)

I haven’t replied to Samita, yet. Hope, this Post might help.

*Name changed

GERALD D’CUNHA