WHEN I FIRST SEEK TO UNDERSTAND...

 

“A man travels the world over in search of what he needs

and returns home to find it.”

George Moore

“First seek to understand, then seek to be understood.” Dr. Stephen Covey places this as the Fifth Habit in his remarkable book – ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’. While explaining this habit, he says, that most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply…

I am no exception…

Like many around me, I, too, am, often, too quick in my judgements and reactions. I tend to judge through my own foggy glasses… My quick reactions, invariably, stem from my insecurities, inadequacies, misinformation or lack of information, and, above all, from my prejudices. Yes, I am aware of the old warning, that I should not judge a book by its cover… For, the depth, always, lies deep inside the book!

But, then, in this fast-and-furious world, patience, tolerance, empathy – and the Golden advice, ‘Do to others as you would have them do to you’ – yes, all these seem defunct…

But, I know – they are not. They are very much relevant and they very much anchor the effectiveness in our lives.

So, Dr. Covey’s Fifth Habit of effectiveness calls for my patience, tolerance and empathy. It reminds me, that I should first seek to understand others, then seek to be understood by them…

You see, there must be a valid reason why the other person behaves in a certain way… There must a ‘story’ behind his behaviour. So, it will serve me better, if I pause before judging, reacting and concluding… This pause helps me to appreciate and respect the other person’s views – it helps me understand and accommodate him.

Some three decades ago, I had published a small book, titled – ‘Blind Spots’. The book carried some of my reflective notes… Here is one of them:

THE LIGHT

---------

I was terribly annoyed and angry

with my maid servant…

She had not turned up to work, yet again,

Umpteen number of times, I had told her gently

and warned her sternly.

Now, she had bunked, yet again.

I decided in my mind to throw her out,

when she came next.

She came after a few days, visibly shaken.

Someone beside her said:

“Her husband gets mental bouts time and again…
Last few days, he didn’t allow anyone in their house

to leave the house.”

 

I said nothing…

She went on with her usual work.

Ironically, if we truly, deeply seek to understand others, we wouldn’t seek to be understood by others, at all…

 

GERALD D’CUNHA

 

Pic’s: Pixabay

Video: Muniba Irfan