FROM BEING A PLEASER TO BEING A LEADER



















Pic.:Nishtha Narryani

Why do we try to ‘please’ others?

Our personality trait of trying to please others is, certainly, not a healthy trait. For, it does not stem from our healthy self-esteem. Most of the times, we end up emerging hurt and abused by those who we are trying to please, so desperately.


What about being gentle, dignified and graceful in our behavior towards others? When you are an approachable person, when you allow people to freely voice their complaints, when you listen to them with kindness... does it all mean you are trying to please them?


Not at all!


Being gentle and approachable, being patient and kind, are the finest traits which stem from our healthy self-esteem. Yes, when you are approachable, people may call you at odd hours, and they may drop in at any time of the day. But, with your gentleness and assertive strength, you can, always, handle this fall out. Similarly, if you are patient and if you readily listen to their problems, they may end up expecting too much from you... And, you may be, often, criticized, blamed and even abused.  Again, with your demeanor of poise and genuine empathy, you can, always, handle this nasty side, too!


You can’t please everyone and every time; but, the Pleasers try to! Because, their pleasing comes from low self-esteem, they can’t handle rejection, they can’t handle ‘No’... They can’t handle loss of friendship, and they can’t handle disagreements, others’ anger or sadness. So, with the hope of remaining, always, in someone’s good books, and with the hope of, always, being ‘nice’ to them ... making them happy, the Pleasers go about doing what they do best: pleasing!


Pleasing is founded on the principle: “Your well-being is more important to me than mine!”


Obviously, and sadly, it is a flawed principle... It is a vicious cycle, and it is doomed to cause more and more pain in your heart.


When your gentleness, patience and empathy come from a healthy self-esteem, you will know how to assert yourself, how not to allow anyone treat you as a soft-target or abuse you as a door-mat. Others, invariably, get this message and they will think twice before they can mess with you...


But, it is not so, if you are a Pleaser. Because your pleasing behavior comes from your low self-esteem, you will not be able to assert yourself, will not be able to prevent others from treating you as a soft-target or abuse you as a door-mat...


The shift – from being a non-assertive Pleaser to being an assertive Leader is very much possible. All that it takes is to recognize this trait in you, and start immediately working on the principle: “I will love you as much as I love myself. Your well-being is as important to me as my own.”


In life, every Pleaser has to bring about this shift in him... if he doesn’t wish to end up as a loser!


GERALD D’CUNHA

Comments

Gulshan Ghera said…
Valuable insights, thank you sir... Gulshan
March 13, 2014 at 3:10 PM
Prakash S said…
Agree with you that our pleasing comes from our lack of healthy self-regard.
-- Prakash S
March 13, 2014 at 3:30 PM
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