THE CLOSENESS OF ALONENESS

 “I am able to take care of myself.” 

 I think, this is the most empowering statement one can ever make in Life! 

Others may love me, care for me, advise me, motivate me, guide me, finance me… yes, they may be my loved ones or my best well-wishers, but, they can not do any service to me – unless I am able to say from the bottom of my soul, “Hey, I am able to take care of myself.”

But, am I able to take care of myself, really?

I seriously think, I am!

Not only that, I also seriously think, the other person – the one who I love, care… the one whose well-being I am concerned about…  yes, he too is able to take care of himself.

In every relationship, I think, this innate belief and trust forms the bedrock. When it doesn’t, it leads to ‘clinging’, desperation, manipulation… If the other person – my friend, my business associate, my student, my teacher, my spouse or my child – whoever it is, if he has the trust and belief that he can take care of himself while I don’t… or, vice-versa – then, there is bound to be a manipulative plan – an agenda – in relationship… a hell lot of egg-shells to walk upon… the constant expectations, which are like a bottomless pit, impossible to meet… and, all this is bound to breed the perennial insecurity.

If I am not sure of myself, my own strengths, and my own confidence… how can another person make me feel strong and confident? If I don’t believe that I can take care of myself, how can another person ever be able to do that for me?

Coming close to another person is what life all about. It happens right from the moment we are born and continues to the moment we breathe last. Life is all about coming close to other people – our parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends, neighbors and colleagues, the co-travelers, business associates – yes, every where it is about coming close to other people. That’s Life… and, that’s the most beautiful thing that can ever happen to us as we go along our lives.

But, then, are we all not ‘alone’ – in spite of such an amazing togetherness?

I seriously feel, this ‘aloneness’ today. 

I said ‘aloneness’… not ‘loneliness’!

It is in ‘aloneness’ that I am able to experience 

the bliss of togetherness – 

closeness to another fellow being.   

Only when I see the aloneness – 

the individuality, freedom and confidence – 

of another person, 

 

that I am able to truly experience 

the closeness, the friendship.

The moment we come into this world… this message is made loud and clear. Though I came ‘through’ my wonderful mom, they cut off the umbilical chord, immediately! They did the same thing with my son!

“You are ‘alone’… and, you ARE able to do it alone… You ought to. You ought to!”

Too harsh?

Nay! Too simple, honest and empowering!

The strain in any relationship is felt when we lose this faith in our innate aloneness. In our innate ability to be on our own. The strain is the inevitable result of constantly creating ‘agendas’ for others… harboring endless expectations, setting limits and rules for behavior… being neurotic about other’s behavior, being obsessed with changing him… 

Byron Katie, in her wonderful book, ‘Loving What Is’ tells her in her own inimitable way: “Honey, at the end of all your Herculean effort to ‘change’… the cat will only stare into your eyes and say – ‘Meow’!”

I may be desperate to hear my cat say ‘Bow Bow’! I may spend my life-time on this mission. But, that is my problem…

The earlier I see this ‘truth’, the better for me… And yes, the better for the cat and the dog, as well!

GERALD D’CUNHA

Pics.: Viraj Jejurkar