THE THIN LINE BETWEEN ENCOURAGING AND MANIPULATING

Pic.: Ruma Chatterjee

“I had a dream about you. We were trying to climb a mountain,

and I kept pushing you to keep going...

I felt like the greatest motivational-mentor

who’s ever tried to climb Mt. Everest piggyback style.”

― Jarod Kintz

I am blogging after five days, today. If wayside flowers – very, very mundane things – are what inspiring me to write on, then, there was more than enough to blog on during these five days...

There is a time to work, and there is a time to rest...

There is a time to rush, and there is a time to be still...

Yes, there is a time to write, and there is a time to keep the pen down...

I had been to Mangalore, my hometown, to attend the first Holy-Communion of my nephew, the nine-year-old Jeswin. We are five brothers... They used to call us the Pandavas. I was the second one, Bhim. My first brother, Franky, was supposed to be Yudhishtra. Harry, my next brother was Arjun. Rony, who lives in Kuwait, is Nakul and Vivek, the last one, is Sahadev.

Jeswin is Rony’s son. Rony is twelve years younger to me. As a little kid, I had seen him singing like my dad. Like my dad, he was an extrovert; while, I was like mom, an introvert. I was very shy and scared to be on stage. But, in my heart, I dreamt to be there... singing and dancing. So, when I was in my degree college, Rony was barely of Jeswin’s age. I began to encourage him to sing on stage... When he sang, when people applauded him, I felt great...  It was much later that I realized what I was doing: I was living my own unfulfilled dream – singing, dancing and performing on stage – through my younger brother, Rony. Today, I know, how good or bad that human trait in us can be. I can easily spot it when a parent or a relative does it for someone... Taken too far, it can be dangerous to one’s self-growth, individuality and freedom. It can make one extremely suffocated and kill the talent, totally, even...

But then, like all other things in life, there is an upside and there is a downside to this trait, too... Too much has been, always, too bad... And, we all – parents, grandparents, uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters, teachers and friends – yes, we all are guilty, to some extent, of trying to live our unfulfilled dreams through someone close to us...

Many of us simply deny it!

I wont’t. I wanted my younger brother Rony to be a great singer... Because, I, always, wanted to be one!

I wanted my last brother, Vivek, to be a great fast-bowler... Because, I could not be anywhere in sports...

But, both my brothers taught me, before it was too late, that, there was a very thin line between encouraging and manipulating... And, thank God, I stepped aside before it was too late!

Later, when my son was born, and it was time for me to groom him, I knew what I was not supposed to do...

Rony became a wonderful Konkani singer... Vivek became a good businessman. Today, both openly adore me for the mentorship and motivation... while I silently take pride in playing my role...

There is no shame in feeling happy and proud when the fruit of your tree turns exclusive and delicious...

So, on the night of the Jeswin’s first Holy-Communion, I was asked to say something on behalf of all his uncles – four of his dad’s brothers and three of his mom’s brothers...

I placed my hands around the little one and said, of the many things I did, this:

“Darling Jeswin, you do not have any brothers as your dad and mom had. But, you have fourteen cousins from mom’s side and seven from dad’s. Keep all of them together as your uncles did. Come what may, try to stay together...”

As I was saying this, I could hear the applause from the audience... I continued, “You know what Jeswin, I will give a simple secret, rather a mantra, to do it... Look son, we all – including all your uncles – are ordinary people, with clay feet... We have our huge flaws... All that you need to do in life is to shut your eyes to others’ flaws... and see only what is good in them... rejoice and celebrate in the goodness of others.... That would be enough to keep all your cousin brothers and sisters together.”

Jeswin was all eyes and ears...

In the end, I said this: “Darling, all your uncles have these three qualities: They are simple, they are talented and they are extremely generous... They have a large, large, heart... And, I want you to be like them, always... Love you... God bless.”

Did the audience like what I had just said?

Yes, it did.

Was Jeswin too young to absorb my words?

I don’t think so...

Were I trying to manipulate the little-one?

Why would I?

GERALD D’CUNHA