Pic.: Anima D'Cunha
“Maybe, sometimes, people did not actually change;
Maybe, you just never knew who they really were.”
If I do not like someone’s behavior and if I genuinely want him to change, then, I must stop reminding him of his so-called bad behavior… stop making him feel guilty, defensive about it.
Nobody has ever changed defending his behavior and guilt!
If I am genuinely concerned about his behavior and if I truly wish to rejoice in his change, then, it is important on my part to get in touch with my own desperation to point to him – repeatedly – how wrong he is, how flawed… Yes, I must ask this to myself: “Why am I so obsessed with his behavior? Do I really, really want him to change? Do I wish to truly rejoice in his change? Does it help me – leave alone him – if I keep reminding him about his flaws and make him feel defensive and guilty?”
The more I point it out to him, the more hardened he becomes… the more reluctant to change…
The only way, therefore, is: create that guiltless zone in his heart where he chooses to change on his own.
Not at all!
Let’s look at the way we try to bring about change in behavior in someone we love, someone significant in our life… our child, sibling, partner, parent, relative, friend, colleague or anyone who really matters for our well-being. What many of us do is exactly the opposite – we keep cribbing about his behavior, keep ‘exposing’ him to an extent that he hates our obsession…
And, when we drag things to this state, forget about ‘his’ change…
It is our self-destructive behavior… suicidal!
Now, who is flawed – he or me? Who has to change – he or me?
A wise-man had said: “You can’t keep dancing with the devil and wondering why you’re still in hell.”