Monday, October 24, 2011


People don’t change just because I want them to. I haven’t changed just because some one wanted me to…. Even if that ‘some one’ is a significant person in my life.

We all change, because - we want to. If we don’t want to, we won’t. 

The significant people in our life are funny people… Their ways of changing us are funny: Crib about us, till we hate them… Yell at us, till we throw things… Criticize us, till we lose all our confidence and stand before them with our heads down, like donkeys… and, even blackmail us emotionally, till the drama ends with some unpredictable tragedy…

But, we will not change!

Some years ago, in one of our Workshops, the facilitator gave an interesting example. It was taken from the slums… very common place, it appeared to all of us. The man comes home, rather to the living hell. The woman is waiting for him to come, and starts her cribbing… yelling… throwing things… and blackmailing drama…. For hours on… till the point: the man holds her hair and start hammering the obsessed woman. “There you go… There you show your real species!” the woman, now, keeps crying. 

The issue now is: “I am like this because you are an animal… You hammer me.”

“The woman sub-consciously wanted that to happen, wanted the man to show his real species – that he was a ‘cruel animal’,” our facilitator told us, “It was her self-fulfilling prophecy.”

If we keep cribbing, yelling, criticizing and throwing tantrums, we will get in return only that: ‘our real animal side.'

Our ‘human side’ needs none of these dumb methods. Unfortunately, the significant people in our life – do not realize this. We do the same thing that we see in slums… We end up acting and reacting in the same manner. 

Change happens when we are ‘touched’… by hearts. It needs the ‘space’ to happen… A great deal of trust, a great deal of patience… and it needs us to get in touch with our own ‘obsessive behavior’.

I change because I am able to empathize with my significant people. Often, they do so through their own conditioning: their fears, insecurities and their upbringings… through the importance they have laid on the Social Mirror. Now, I can not do a lot about it. Yelling back at them is like yelling back at the stone. Perhaps, the empathy can help. “Why do they act the way they do?” 

So, it is about my change. Not theirs. When the roles change – i.e., whenever we tend to succumb to such silly methods of trying to change others, all that is needed of us is this: Trust, Love… and be Compassionate. And, BE THE CHANGE THAT WE SEEK IN OTHERS!



Girish Dhameja said...

Well change happens as part of life. We expect others to change but why cant we. If you cannot carpet the whole world, change your slippers as rightly said. We have to change with changing Climate, environment, technology and generation.

Let us change for something good, for our family, for our friends, for our work and for ourselves also...

Thank you Sir.

Gerald D'Cunha said...

Good thoughts Girish,

"Let's change for something good, for our family, for our friends, for our work and for ourselves..."

There is depth in it.


Love, sir