ONE BLEEDS... ONE SHIELDS

Close to three hundred messages – of Diwali wishes – I must have sent for the last two days alone. Still, there are so many people, I must have left out… Not because, I care for them less… It is just that: I know, they wouldn’t care for me less, just because I have failed to wish them!

But, I may be wrong!

Let me confess this. I have, always, been my mom’s favorite son… And, when I say this, I say with all my honesty and humility. My four brothers, who love and respect me so much, know this, too… And, I am proud to say that they would never feel jealous of me – the way Joseph’s brothers did in the Old Testament!

Over thirty years ago, I had left my home town, Mangalore, to find my place in this dream city of Mumbai. My mom sat in the bus, next to me, and came all he way up to Udipi to see me off. All through that journey, she was crying. When she had to leave me and go back at Udipi, I felt like a young bride leaving her parents’ home. I can not forget that moment… My mom loved me so much!

Those were the days, we had to communicate only through letters. And, I did. But, then, there were times, I would fail to write to her for months together… And, what was amazing with my mother was that: she never complained about it. Her love for me never diminished just because, I did not write to her, regularly, reminding her how much I loved her. She knew I loved her… and, I knew she had faith in me. Tremendous amount of it!

I am saying this because, these are the days of cell phones and e-mails. Just with a click of a button, you are able to communicate with any one, however far, and at any time. Still, I haven’t spoken to my mom for nearly two months, now! No, I haven’t done it with any apathy or insensitivity… No, I haven’t done because I was too busy or too lazy. I have just done so, because – may be – I know my mom still loves me despite my failure. I know, she would calm me down the moment I say, “I am sorry mom,” with her magnanimous words, “Don’t you worry son; I understand.”

That’s how it has been… always… between my simple mom and her simple son!

Love has two sides to it. One bleeds, constantly… because, it is so tender, so sensitive, so vulnerable and dependant. The other shields like a Fort… because, it is so tough, so confident, so wise and self-reliant. I believe, for us to be loving and loved – both – we need to experience these two sides of Love. Love is predominantly a business of our hearts… That is why, it is so vulnerable, so dependent. But, it needs the support of our minds – our unclouded thinking, our wisdom. It is only when my heart is able to feel with all its tenderness what my mind thinks with all its wisdom… that I can safely say – “I know what Love is.”

Yes, Love is the most amazing gift I can ever dream of receiving. It makes my life meaningful, worthwhile and fills me with hope and happiness. It is only when I do not understand the truth that if the same gift makes me afraid, bitter, envious and helpless – to the point it doesn’t allow me to function confidently – then, I must examine as to what is wrong with the two sides of my Love.

I feel scared, jealous, helpless and low in my confidence, now and then. My mom too must be feeling the same. But, then, if I am able to feel that sate and able to communicate the same to our beloved ones, I think… I am in Love!

My mom. My wife. My son… or with YOU!

GERALD D'CUNHA